AP Online

Not so cute and innocent cousin

2006-08-01T00:37:00.000-04:00

I was quietly eating my lunch when an envelope flew out from behind, followed by giggling and the sound of scurrying little feet. Behold the corrupted young generation.

Enclosed inside:

AP converses with fellow injured people

2006-07-10T00:37:00.000-04:00

I have a friend whose such a genius, that the friend is not content to let the electricity flow through the walls. My friend feels the need to embrace it.

Genius: I've been shocked about 12 times in the last week all by the same power cord.
Genius: I thought, well, surely it won't happen again.
Genius: So I again attempted to put it in and got a little further and this time there were lots of sparks and a big pop and crackle
Genius: and now I am sure I am having many symptoms of my impending death.

This incident can be a learning lesson for us all. In fact, I will now share another one from my childhood. You can never have too many anecdotes telling you, 'when provoked, electricity will open a helluva can of whoop ass on you'.

I must've been around 9 when this happened. We bought a phone that required an AC adapter. I'd put my finger at the end of the pin and didn't feel any electricity. So I told my Dad the adapter was defective since I couldn't feel any electricity on my finger. He said, it was working just fine. So I asked, then why can't I feel anything. He said, try putting it on your tongue....

Yeah, I learned my lesson.

AP Converses with young negro people

2006-07-09T01:28:00.000-04:00

Negro Child: you know, muslim males, mainly arab muslim men, have very unique names. muhammad, mohammed, muhammed, mohammad, mahammed, muhammud, mohammud....
its always a surprrise

In today's news ...

2006-07-08T01:31:00.000-04:00

Me: today when i got home
i went up to my room
and there was a package on my bed
oh the joys of receiving an unexpected package
its just so amazing
i started opening it
and guess what was inside?
Motorola Razr V3
brand new
i was like, :-O
(and :)(R)(F):D;) too)
then i pulled out a sheet from inside
'invoice to *AP’s father*'
well, atleast we're moving up as a family

uncouth berber: Sad, but when you said motorola razr phone I automatically imagined you opening a package with a pink razr

2006-07-06T20:24:00.000-04:00

She drew a whole lot of people today and pointed to this and said it was me. I asked why my name wasn't there, and she said because she didn't know how to spell it. I told her it's spelled with a capital 'A' and another capital 'P'. She gave a confused look, wondering how just two letters could spell my name like that.

Day 8

2006-07-06T00:17:00.000-04:00

This is from my 7 year old cousin who showed up to work today with her parents.

'Would you remember me in a day?'... Yes.
'Would you remember me in a week?' ... Yes.
'Would you remember me in a month?' ... Yes.
'Would you remember me in a year?' ... Yes.
'Knock knock' ... 'Whose there?'
'I thought you said you'd remember me!'

It's the rare kid that impresses me and earns my praise and respect. She's joined the ranks of such notable youngin's as 'Bhai'. I'm tempted to record some of the stuff she says, it's so incredibly hilarious.

Maple Ice Cream

2006-07-03T00:15:00.000-04:00

I've been planning on make a cooking blog for a long while now (wherein I will copy and paste pictures of elaborate gourmet meals from Google and pretend I made them), so might as well make this the beginning of it.

You will need:
1. 6 eggs
2. 2 cups maple syrup. Use real maple syrup, not the cheap welfare-class Aunt Jemima pancake syrup.
3. 2 cups milk
4. 2.5 tablespoons cornstarch
5. 0.5 teaspoon salt
6. 3 cups whipping cream
7. 1.5 teaspoons vanilla

Directions:
1. In a large bowl beat eggs until creamy and then add next 4 ingredients (maple syrup - salt), stirring to blend.
2. Transfer mixture to top of double boiler set over simmering water, over low heat.
3. Cook, for 5-10 minutes, stirring constanlly until mixture coats spoon. Remove from heat. Let cool.
4. Stir cream and vanilla into mixture.
5. Transfer mixture to ice cream maker and process according to manufacturer's directions.

Makes approximately 750 - 1000ml. Requires about 40 minutes with 30 minutes preparation times.
*Adding toasted walnuts seems like a good idea. It'd give it that maple walnut ice creamy taste.

At the moment I don't have an ice cream maker, but I have a itch to remedy this situation with that long overdue trip to Williams Sonoma. Inshallah.

Day 4: Jungle Boy & Ibrahim

2006-06-30T00:07:00.000-04:00

My assignment today was in the testing area where a certain Ibrahim was to teach me how. I got there and shocked Ibrahim by speaking English.

Ibrahim: I thought you didn't speak any English at all. I was worried about how I was going to teach you.

Ibrahim happens to be another convert who works there. Scottish guy who even wears a 'lunghee' to work because present-day lunghees are very much like the original ones that Prophet (saw) himself wore. These guys make for awesome conversation, they're full of stories and exploits (from having seen a lot of the world).

He spoke harshly of the Tiawanese people. I asked him what revolted him so much. He said it was the rampant commercial sex.

Ibrahim: As a foreigner, you literally cannot walk to the corner store without having women hit on you.
Me: Really??
Me: I mean, yeah, astafiruallah!

Rasul Bhai happens to be his favourite character too. Apparently, Rasul Bhai started taking English classes to help bolster his immigration case. Around Christmas time he came to tell Ibrahim about a song they were teaching him in school - Jungle Boy.

Rasul Bhai: They teach me, 'Jungle boy, jungle boy...'

Ibrahim said he later explained to Rasul Bhai that it wasn't 'jungle boy' but rather 'jingle bells'.

I don't have to pack a lunch tonight because every Friday happens to be biryani day. In which the boss has biryani catered for our dining pleasure.

Day 3: Rasul Bhai

2006-06-28T23:35:00.000-04:00

There was a hilarious incident today at work, but it's the sort of thing you had to see to find funny. I tried typing it up, but just sounded lame.

It was about this certain crafty Rasul Bhai who didn't want to work with Angry Gujarati Fellow, so he told my uncle that the Angry Gujarati worked too slow.

This pissed off the other guy, so when he did end up working with him on the same machine, he decided to get even. Since both people have to work at the same speed and Gujarati fellow was about 30 years younger than Rasul Bhai, he kept on stepping up the speed until Rasul Bhai started screaming of the pain in his back, to which the other guy responded by simply screaming back to work faster. I couldn't stop laughing there in my corner.

In other news, I got myself the figurative key to the executive bathroom. Figurative because the bathroom doesn't really have a key. And the only difference between the regular one is that it has a bag of potpourri in the corner.

2nd day of work

2006-06-28T00:41:00.000-04:00

I ate my breakfast this morning in the rain. Not the crazy monsoon type rain you get in India (that washes away your cattle and wife), but a nice refreshing spring drizzle. Waiting near Hwy 401 Keele exit, for the inventory manager as I like to call him. Except he's not the inventory manager, he manages everything and is actually the engine the drives the company. The inventory manager picks me up and drops me off, so the commute isn't torturous.

I will officially start my position on July 29th, when my Uncle and his family go on their vacation. I'll be assuming the responsibilites that currently him and his wife are responsible for, which is namely, yelling at the workers about once a day and sitting in the office. Mashallah. And literally, that's it (or so that's my understanding, unless he decides to be evil and throws in a clause which mandates that I must clean all bathrooms with a toothbrush). Until the 29th is training, during which time I'm supposed to familiarise myself with things and learn the employees names I guess.

My first day was incredible. I had a station testing LCD displays (that eventually go inside refurbished telephones) across from a 'Hamza'. Converted brother, full of brilliance and wisdom and literally just shines and reminds you of Allah. After our amazing conversation in which it became very apparent this man was nothing short of a genius, I wanted to just ask him, 'Dude, why are you in here sautering?' Turned out it was his last day (unfortunately for me) and he's off to Egypt to become a hafiz on the 29th of June. At the end of the day I told him it was quite an honour getting to know him, he got all flustered and didn't know how to respond.

Fringe benefits include keys to the uncle's cars and his home. Dhikr party and Jamat trip! (minus the dhikr and jamat)

Me: ... I'm not sure how it was in your days ...
Hamza: my days? I'm probably younger than you.
Me: How old are you?
Hamza: 24.
Me: I'm 19.
Hamza: Well, I guess not then.

Mother: I packed your lunch and included a spoon, don't forget it!
Me: You don't have to remind me, I'm 20 years old.
Mother: Your father's 51 and I still have to remind him.

EDIT:
Faiza: Dude
Faiza: I still don't get what you do

Nothing! That's the beauty of it all!

AP has fun weekend

2006-06-25T23:02:00.000-04:00

I really can't remember the last time I had so much fun in any one weekend as I did this week. I felt I'd share about the good times given how the last (legitimate) update was so depressing. Indeed, Allah is the one who grants contentment to the hearts, and alhumdulilah, He's granted mine.

Weekends start on Friday evenings. I started this one with 'An Inconvenient Truth'. It's definitely a must-see, regardless of your stance on the global warming issue. Ironically enough, Al Gore (whose the star of this documentary) is shown driving around in a certain 12-cylinder Mercedes which has one of the lowest fuel efficiency ratings; then he goes around saying how terrible the people who contribute to global warming are. Man, f*** you.

Nonetheless, the movie was great and the cinema was better. We went to a new one this time, AMC30 (located near Hwy7 and Hwy400). It made Paramount look like Mudasser's basement (and you ever want to step foot inside there). They also have high quality butter to pour over your popcorn. In Kashif's words, 'man, this is real butter. this is ghee!' How would we possibly resist drenching our popcorn with such wholesome goodness?

Early Saturday morning I trekked along with dear father to his shop. There I had to do the usual weekly routine of carrying out any maintenance that our faithful Caravan needed. This week, it needed a new bulb in the front-left flasher. I don't want to get into it, but long story short, I had to reach inside and feel my way around (since removing the entire front light was too complicated a job) for the entire job. After about 30 minutes of fruitless fumbling in there, I was about to start raging. Lo and and behold, at that very moment it popped in and saved me the trouble of having to break things.

That afternoon I had to tag along with the female members of the family to a mall in Mississuaga, going shopping with women is a terrible ordeal no man suffers willingly. Luckily, since this is World Cup season, while the female members spent our hard earned money on many useless items, I joined this Mexican mall janitor in front of an electronics store to catch the Mexico-Argentina game. Everytime something noteworthy happened on screen, he'd make a comment in Mexican to which I'd nod and agree. And sometimes I'd make a comment in English, to which he'd nod and agree. I even got myself bbq-flavoured roasted corn from this store to enjoy whilst while. The snack was grea and the loud crunching sounds keep people from standing too close and ruining my viewing experience; two birds with one stone - score! Great game over all. I watched for almost 80 minutes (during which time they scored only one goal). It so happened that very moment I decided to take my eyes off and move something that was in the way to see better that goal was scored. Great goal though.

Sunday morning was a different morning than usual. I actually groomed myself and put on ironed clothes and wore shoes. I had to blend in with the crowds at Yorkville and as such I felt it the usual pajama and bathroom slippers attire wouldn't work today.

You know it's a classy joint when they give you the receipt inside an envelope

Next stop: Asif's house. It's the closest place at which I can access a TV. I had to access one this afternoon for the Portugal-Netherlands game. Entertaining game, but the Oranje lost. Normally I don't support any teams in the world cup, but this year I thought I'd put my hopes behind Marco & Co. cause the teacher said so. Goes to show that it's always a bad idea listening to teachers. Teachers are for rebelling against and making fun of.

Sunday dinner was served with steak from Ilyas Saleh's farm. Beat that!

And last but not least, I just packed my lunch right now for my first day of work tomorrow. I got a position so incredible, I can't believe it actually is happening. Serves as a nice reminder to me that it's Allah that gives, and not my efforts that ever acquire.

Oh and of course, the weekend ends on Sunday night with a blog update.

(this doesn't count as a real post)

2006-05-31T23:33:00.000-04:00

Back by popular demand!

Jamat Saathis!

2006-05-09T13:14:00.000-04:00

Which X-Men character are you most like?

You are Professor X!You are a very effective teacher, and you are very committed to those who learn from you. You put your all into everything you do, to some extent because you fear failure more than anything else. You are always seeking self-improvement, even in areas where there is nothing you can do to improve.
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |

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| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

'Excellent Bowmanville Post'

2006-04-26T22:33:00.000-04:00

Given the recent developments in life, I had to get this post out of the way before it became too late.

Today's excellent picture post comes from the Bowmanville grand opening ceremony in late August 2005. Situated on an incredibly beautiful and breath-taking site, this organization has the potential to become a landmark post-secondary educational instituition that the Muslim community (in Canada and North America at large) can call their own. All this project needs to realize that potential is support from the community - in every way we can manage. They also happen to be in urgent need of a more creative name from their current 'Islamic University' (and generic to the point of being lame, IMHO).

During the grand opening they had a deadline looming for the 2nd installment, but they've managed that with the help of Allah and generosity of people. The total cost of the property was $4.1M. This project has critics aplenty, but don't be a critic. Be a part of the solution that takes this from a place with a potential to a place on the map. :)

I don't think all those places the arrows point to existed when I was there.

Staff dormitory building.

More dorms.

Building that houses gymnasium and computer lab.

Building full of sisters (at the time the picture was taken).

Beautiful and massive tree on the grounds near the entrance.

Random pic of grounds.

More pictures of the grounds.

Computer lab where aggravated madressa boys (and girls) will surf only Islamic and educational sites.

Bose noise-cancelling headphones inside the computer lab.

his baby.

The grand finale. You know deep down everyone just came for this.

I took a sheet full of notes during the lectures (not too unlike the ones I took during the RIS volunteers meeting), they're somewhere in my room and waiting to be found and posted. All in due time. If there's anyone interested in making donation or their contact information, send me an email.

extension

2006-04-26T14:55:00.000-04:00

if on the way to school tomorrow black people (or any other people for that matter) jump me and stab me and steal my graphing calculator, i suppose i can get an extension on my assignment.

ok i'm hoping the knife is dull.

Calculus Joke explained

2006-04-22T23:33:00.000-04:00

Adam: that calc joke
Adam: made me expel milk from my nose

For those who thought it was a 'lame, stupid, lame, lame joke' (or thought something else along those lines) you didn't quite get the beauty of the joke.

Here's why it's funny:

The integral of sin x is: -cos x + C
The integral of cos x is: sin x + C
The integral of e^x is: .... still e^x!

That's why he wasn't scurred.

Calculus Joke

2006-04-07T22:59:00.000-04:00

Here's a (beautifully nerdy) joke from the resident medical physicist:

Cosine theta is walking down the street when he spots Sine theta running towards him yelling and screaming, 'Run, run for your life! Mr. Integrator is coming and he'll integrate you!'

Further down the road Sine theta spots another function. So Sine theta runs down and repeats, 'Run, run for your life! Mr. Integrator is coming and he'll integrate you!'

The function is unnerved and coolly says, 'I'm e^x'.

Price Chopper Adventure

2006-04-06T05:37:00.000-04:00

Cashier: Would you like some bags to carry the groceries?
Customer: No that's ok, I got some at home.

Moe's, A Tribute

2006-03-27T00:26:00.000-05:00

M is for Moe, the owner of Moe's.
O is for the 'O' in the middle of Moe's.
E is for 'ecceptance', the feeling I always got here at Moe's.

- Homer Simpson

Real Horror Story From India

2006-03-22T13:05:00.000-05:00

This happened about a month or two ago near Lonavala, and even though it sounds like something out of the X Files or the Twilight Zone...it actually happened!

This guy drives from Mumbai to Pune and decides not to take the new expressway as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when he reaches the ghats his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation. It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering. The night rolls on and no car goes by, the monsoon rains are so strong he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly in the midst of pitch black night he barely makes out a car just a few feet away, coming towards him with its headlights out. The strange vehicle stops next to him. The guy is SO relieved to see another human soul that he immediately flings open the car's door and jumps in without a second thought. Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realizes there is nobody behind the wheel!

Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine,the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming the hills and there is a steep drop beyond the curve). Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time the car is at a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get it around each bend.

Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of then silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights. It's a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside dhabba, which is open, and asks for a drink. They find some hooch and give him a shot. And he starts telling whoever is in the dhabba about the horrifying experience he just went through. A silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy isn't drunk, and is really frightened - he's crying and shaking. So they give him more hooch and talk about what they should do, whether to call the police or find a priest, or what.

But just then two tired looking men walk into the dhabba. One excitedly points a finger and says to his friend "Look Raj! That's the asshole that got in the car when we were pushing it..."

tabligh jamat adventure

2006-03-13T22:06:00.000-05:00

I came back today from a 2-day tablighi adventure. Featured below are 4 of my jamaat saathis:

2006-03-07T14:43:00.000-05:00

Corrato: A Chinaman goes to the doctor, and the doctor says to him, “You’ve got a cataract”. The Chinaman says, “No, I drive a Lincoln Continental”.
...
Corrato: Don't you get it?
Bobby: Yeah, he drives a Lincoln.

Chris: Russians? They’re not all bad.
Pauli: Yeah? Well what’d you call the Cuban missile crisis? Cock-suckers shipped missiles into Cuba and pointed them right at us.
Chris: That really happened? Cause I remember seeing that in a movie.

Tony Soprano: This man cannot come back to tell the tale. Get rid of him.
Pauli: Tony, I can’t hear you. You’re breaking up.
Tony Soprano: This guy is some sort of Russian Green Beret. He killed 16 Chechens single-handedly and worked for the Interior Ministry.
Chris: What’s Tony saying?
Pauli: That the guy killed 16 Czechoslovakians and was an interior decorator.
Chris: Interior decorator? Really? His place looked like shit.

Bobby: You know Quasimodo predicted all of this stuff years ago?
Tony Soprano: You mean Nostradamus. Quasimodo was the Hunchback of Notre-Dame.
Bobby: Yeah, Notre-Damus.
Tony Soprano: NOSTRADAMUS!
Tony Soprano: Nostradamus and Notre-Dame, two completely different things.
…
Bobby: The hunchback, the quarterback and halfback of Notre-Dame. Don’t tell me you never saw a connection there somewhere.

Nohari Window

2006-03-05T00:45:00.000-05:00

If you take this test, you can collect a dollar from me next time I see you.

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=IngAP

balcony

2006-03-04T21:15:00.000-05:00

One time in Gr6 we were learning about airplanes in school, and so inspired, I built a paper one myself; lit it on fire and threw it off my balcony. It floated downwards in a beautiful spiral and scared the crap outta some kids riding their bikes down below.

You're Ireland!

2006-02-11T14:39:00.000-05:00

You're Ireland!

Mystical and rain-soaked, you remain mysterious to many people, and this
makes you intriguing. You also like a good night at the pub, though many are just as
worried that you will blow up the pub as drink your beverage of choice. You're good
with words, remarkably lucky, and know and enjoy at least fifteen ways of eating a potato.
You really don't like snakes.

Take the Country Quiz

2006-01-14T18:56:00.000-05:00

John the Gardner: Ok, sure. We'd be poor at first, but we'd be happy.
Mrs. Solis: I've tried 'poor but happy'.
Mrs. Solis: Guess what? It wasn't that happy.

2006-01-12T22:24:00.000-05:00

Why is Santa Clause so jolly? ...

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

AP converses with family

2006-01-10T04:00:00.000-05:00

AP: Did you know that oranges are made in a factory by the orange-making machine?
6 year-old sister: NO. Oranges comes from trees, Allah makes them.
AP: Yes I know we have orange trees too, but they also make them in the factory. It's like how Allah made the sun and it gives us light. But this light bulb was made in the factory by a machine and gives us light too. Now do I make sense?
6 year-old sister: ...
6 year-old sister: you're stupid.

Mother: Everytime I see all these eggs in the refrigerator I feel so grateful. I remember when I was a little girl in India how eggs were a really big deal. They're so cheap here.
AP: That's because these aren't real eggs. These are made in a machine at low-cost.
Mother: What?! No ways. That's impossible.
*couple months later*
AP: Damn, these eggs from the wholesale store are so cheap
Mother: That's because these eggs are made in a machine at low cost. Amazing isn't it?
Mother: Someone told me that, can't remember who.

rendered speechless

2006-01-06T10:10:00.000-05:00

I have a problem with talking too much. I've always got something to say on every topic. But one time, this little kid said something to me, and left me at a total loss for words. It was unbelievable.

He asked me why I always corrected people's speech for grammaratical errors etc. And for the life of me, I couldn't come up with an answer. Why DO I correct people when they're talking?! Maybe it's my inner calling to have become an English teacher. The inner calling I had embraced so well, until the lure of being a big shot engineer got to me (and maybe also the lure of knowing how to use every single one of those buttons on the big huge graphing calculator) .

Why does anyone do what I do? Is it for us to assert our dominance (in the matters of things nobody else cares about) with people around us?

btw, I need a way to score some estrogen depleters off the internet. I been feeling emotional all morning and this crazy urge to just hug everyone and tell them I love them. That's f***ing wack, it's not healthy for a manly Gujarati male to have such emotions*.

*Edit: Maybe if I were this guy it'd be ok to be feeling that happy.

Ode To Chuck Norris

2006-01-04T23:00:00.000-05:00

I had been meaning to do this post since I was first introduced to this phenomenon at RIS by the illustrious Boys of Mcmaster, conveniently abbreviated as iBOM. Someone made a thread about this on Islamica, but there is no harm in enjoying this twice. Presenting ...

The man, the legend - no not Goldi - but the incredible Chuck Norris brought to you by AP Online in a collection of facts:

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Convos with Goldi

2006-01-02T22:25:00.000-05:00

Goldi: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jeremyjohnson/
Goldi: he has mumbai pics
Goldi: scroll down
Me: this is proper classy
Me: comparatively speaking
Me: it's definitely not the side of Mumbai I saw
Goldi: you're the lower rung of society
Goldi: these are the real motherfuckers that keep it real
Me: No asshole.
Me: we're the real deal
Goldi: shut up man, you guys live in the gutter
Goldi: i wanna be this guy's friend
Me: these guys live their sheltered wealthy life
Me: wiping their ass with 4-ply tissue
Goldi: so what's the problem with that
Me: nothing wrong, but that's not keeping it real homes
Me: we are
Me: imagine if all of india used 4-ply, we'd run outta trees
Me: hell even if they used 1-ply we'd have a major shortage the world over

First post of 2006

2006-01-02T02:28:00.000-05:00

Here's something horrible and wrong I copied and pasted from the internet:

A woman goes to her doctor complaining of stomach pains, so the doctor lays her down and conducts an examination of her abdomen. Once he's finished he asks the woman: "Well, I hope you don't mind changing diapers!"

"Ooh! Ooh!" says the excited woman. "Am I pregnant?! Am I going to have a baby?!"

"No," the doctor says. "You have colon cancer."

2005-12-26T03:36:00.000-05:00

Arif Patel, O.S.S.D.

email

2005-12-07T23:31:00.000-05:00

While digging through my email account I came across this one email I sent to Hafeez in Gr11. No wonder I don't have any friends.

"This email is sent solely to remind you regarding our previously arranged deal. I rely on you to save me from a savage beating that will be administered with the use of chop sticks by the cumulative and mostly Asian population of my Economics class, apart from evident decrease of my level of favouritism from Ms. Li on my part. So therefore, I beseech you to bring a VHS copy of Phone Booth tommorow morning. Any concerns that you have concerning the legalities associated with such a decision, please be so kind to inform me and I will address your concerns fully and thoroughly. On a concluding note, I will remind you that you will suffer no legal actions in the event that this copyright violation is discovered by law enforcement officials and/or the legal staff (of the respective owners of copyrights pertaining to the motion picture production of Phone Booth) and full judicial measures are enacted against the collective entity of class CIA4U-01 (hereinafter stated as my economics class). Conditions of financial reimbursements can be negotiated upon request. The aforementioned conditional payment of 5 CAD by medium of legal tender issued currency, with payment constituting of either lump sum payment or series of payment accumulating to a previously specified amount between May 29, 2003 to June 10 2003, ideally represents the maximum limit to the amount, unless otherwise expressly stated and approved by Cindy Wong (hereinafter referred to as course CIA4U-01 designated treasurer). Your co-operation in this matter is requested and will be dually acknowledged."

- Sent May 28, 2003

blender fever

2005-11-25T15:17:00.000-05:00

my last exam is on the 12th, I won't post anything until then.

If the season has you in a bidat-ful mood and you want to get me a Chirstmas present, get me a blender. I'll love you forever and you can come over anytime for free avacado shakes.

And now I leave you with the height of political correctness I heard in the dollar store from some 4-year old boys:
"Don't say gun Jimmy, it's a bad word!"

Edit:
Or you can buy this for me (or atleast subsidize the purchase). Naturally, helping me get the waffle-maker entitles you to free waffles with (the economically priced) Aunt Jemima syrup on it.

Baklava

2005-11-03T21:31:00.000-05:00

Anyone know where I can score some delicious homemade baklava? I've had that commercially produced sub-par stuff many times, but only once did I manage to experience the sensation that is homemade goodness in the shape of baklava pastries.

I'm willing to pay too. With money or love.

And if you haven't got hookups to that, how about recipes? Anyone here make their own and perhaps would be willing to share some of your own tips and tricks?

So once again, recipes or actual baklava would be much appreciated. Thanks. You've no idea how badly I'm craving some.

And of course, Eid Mubarak.

To conclude, a quote from last weeks Malcolm In The Middle:

(Despite all the insults crippled Stevie hurls at Reese, he's exempt from Reese' usual hardlined approach by virtueof his disability. That is, until now.)
Reese: When I'm done beating you up, you're wheel chair is going to need a wheel chair.

11

2005-10-31T02:33:00.000-05:00

I was running against the clock at sehri time, trying to finish cooking some culinary concoction of mine before it was fajr when I saw my sister come downstairs. She walked right up to me and blurted, "I'm 11".

Me: Huh? What? Oh...
Me: happy birthday

Seems just like yesterday I woke up and found out I wasn't an only child no more...

Quotes from a recent obsession: The PJs

2005-10-20T18:52:00.000-04:00

I've found episodes of a show from my childhood. These finds are quite literally a treasure. The PJs is a show so packed with brilliance and quote-worthy material I wouldn't have been able to enjoy them half as much without Windows Media Player's pause and rewind features. Just about every single line is loaded with some sort of reference or another. And earphones also help catch the hilarity Thurgood, Smokey and the rest of the gang spew out. Long story short, The PJs is a show produced by Eddie Murphy about a superintendent in the projects of black ghetto America. If you're tempted to watch TV during Ramadhan, I've got a yousendit.com link with the pilot episode. I'd email you the link and all you have to do is click on it - and the download starts (144 MB approx).

Here's some quotes that had me absolutely reeling. Although, this is just what I found funny, it is by no means a comprehensive portrayal of all the humour. There's a lot of innocent fun humour too.

Smokey: Thanks for letting me stay inside with y’all. Storm season is the worst time of the year for me; it’s so cold and wet. It’s like being in a really big pair of my pants.

[During Thurgood’s camping trip the two boys get lost in the sewers and are rescued]
Calvin & Juicy: Smokey!
Smokey: Welcome to my Fortress of Solitude – or as we like to call it – the happiest place on Earth. But where are my manners, ‘Babs, Deshawn, take our guests’ bags to their rooms’.
Calvin: We don’t have any bags.
Smokey: That’s ok, we don’t have any rooms.

Haiti Lady: I want to talk. Can’t we just talk?
Walter: We talk all the time.
Haiti Lady: Yes, but it’s always talk about the same things. I already know you’re my Daddy. You already know whose it is. You know I like it that way. Ohh yes, ohh yes.
Walter: Well what else is there to say?

Thurgood Stubbs: Get out Smokey! Back to your box.
Smokey: My box blew away in the storm. I guess I could wait for someone in the projects to buy a brand new refrigerator. Oh my God, I’m a dead man.

Mrs. Avery: What am I doing here?! Where’s my stuff?
Thurgood: It’s ok Mrs. Avery. We got your stuff tucked away safe in storage.
[scene changes to show her stuff in the dumpster with Smokey rummaging through, holding up her blue dress]
Smokey: Ooh, the new spring fashions have arrived.

Haiti Lady: Ohhh Walter! You were like a freight train, you didn’t stop for anything. Even when the Jehovah’s Witness opened the door.
Walter: Yeah, she witnessed something alright.

Convo with annoying cousin

2005-10-17T17:25:00.000-04:00

I logged onto MSN this afternoon and Fayez's LOTR obsessed younger brother messages me:

Kaif: excellent fellow warrior
Kaif: u have come at the hour of my need
Kaif: i have sent a messenger but i fortell doom has overcome him

intrigue: shut up you idiot

Kaif: his errand was to ask thee where doth thoust get those little croissants that you heat up, then big they get?
Kaif: what say you?
Kaif: seek council of thy mother
Kaif: for she is wise
Kaif: and she knows much of the cooking that passes her household in these days of evil

intrigue: how old are you

Kaif: 13

intrigue: that's it, you said, '13' so aburptly, aren't you going to respond in your usual flair
intrigue: what would aragorn say?

Kaif: aragorn kind of gondor would say ...

For now he's redeemed himself with this amusing little piece - until the next time he annoys me beyond my patience.

2005-10-15T19:33:00.000-04:00

lol

Good Idea vs. Bad Idea: Part II

2005-10-05T02:33:00.000-04:00

Good Idea: Walking to Price Chopper instead of driving over and being environmentally friendly.
Bad Idea: Walking back. With more stuff than you can carry and having to stop every few steps to take a break while people stare.

Good Idea: Eating dates with the intention of reviving sunnat.
Bad Idea: (Ramadhan censorship in effect)

Good Idea: Thinking of a fantastic 'good idea vs. bad idea' post
Bad Idea: Forgetting the most important part of the post by the time you get down to typing it up

Official Softdrink

2005-10-02T14:37:00.000-04:00

The official drink of AP & Goldi:

Gay people thiefin' our things

2005-09-17T11:51:00.000-04:00

First, they took the word 'gay'. They had no right, they are HOMOSEXUALS; gay is a euphemism they don't deserve.

Then it was the rainbow. Rainbows are far too beautiful and steeped in childhood memories to be associated with men engaging in coitus with other men.

Even innocent and helpful Vaseline - friend to all of us with dry elbows and feet - has become stained with their image.

And now, they've taken away flip-flops too at Ryerson. Although there is an overwhelming majority of women who make flip flops their choice of footwear, I think I'm the only male there who wore flip flops and wasn't flaming gay. Not wanting to be seen as imitating the gay people, I wore shoes this Friday. What would the MSA brothers have thought of me at Juma?

Needless to say I am furious about this and will definitely put up a fight. Earlier this year they proposed to have a 'jeans' days. Wear jeans if you support gay marriages. Many of the dissenters of same-sex marriages raised an outcry over this, claiming that jeans are far too common a feature of many people's wardrobes to be allowed to represent a political statement like that. The administration did not heed these concerns of the straight folk and allowed all this anyway. Prankster then plastered flyers all over Ryerson informing students to wear shoes if they opposed gay marriages.

If there's anyone reading this from Ryerson, let me know, I want to put up something similar next year. 'Wear flip flops to raise awareness of abused women'...'Wear flips flops if you oppose the war in Iraq' ... or 'Wear flips flops if you wanna contribute to the Buy AP A Porsche Fund'. Some people might raise an objection that flip flops are too common, I suppose we could have a specific colour than (same colour as my slippers :p).

Edit: Let's have a brainstorm for potential issues we could raise awareness for. Tuition/TTC fare reductions, etc. Actually, something of that nature could span across the province, because it affects all post-secondary students. Either way, let's hear ideas.

'First day at school (and more)' continued

2005-09-12T14:55:00.000-04:00

The bus ride to school is always the most eventful thing that happens in my life. Gauging from that you can draw a fairly accurate conclusion as to just how exciting a lifestyle I've chosen to adopt.

The first installment in my my latest series, 'AP has a TTC Adventure' is a recounting of those very exciting times. This particular incident took place on my first day of school. It follows a classic story line and sounds like a deleted scene from the Dumb and Dumber movie, but I assure you, this story is absolutely authentic.

I started my second year with my favourite prof. At the end of the class I decided to head to the gym, but after seeing the enormous line up there for memberships/renewals I went home and postponed that chore until some other time. I got to my beloved Eglinton West station and took the wrong bus, headed eastbound to the Eglinton Station. As soon as I felt it turn opposite to the usual direction I snapped to attention and watched the bus pull away. I wasn't in the mood to start screaming to bus driver and run across the street back to the station, so I said, 'fuck it' and resolved to enjoy the ride to Eglinton Station. Minutes tick by, passengers get on, some get off, and I started to feel squeamish. Oh man oh man, what a feeling that was, it's the most horrible thing that could happen to a person commuting on the public transit. I had to go go.

And of all days, today was the first time I ever made the mistake of taking the bus to Eglinton Station instead of the bus home. But the miracle lies in the fact that Eglinton Station is one of only 4 or 5 subway stations on the entire TTC subway line that has public restrooms. As soon as the bus pulled into the station I hobbled off, and ran inside frantically looking for some TTC personnel who could direct me to relief. I finally found a black guy with the TTC insignia on his shirt, and I can honestly say, I was never more glad to see a black person in my life. The nice man directed me and I ran, followed the signs and cried an exclamation of relief when I saw the familiar generic symbols of a man and a woman.

I ran in to find myself in a bathroom so disgusting it would be better suited for the railway stations of India, but that wasn't the ideal moment for filing complaints. I scurried to the last stall as per usual habit only to find that the door didn't lock. Realizing I had only so much time until I'd need a shower stall I ran to the next stall, the door locked perfectly ... but no bathroom tissue. Since my name spelled backwards is 'genius' I came up with a solution that employed the best of both stalls.

I came out feeling all was well with the world, washed my hands at the sink and ignored the Italian man beside me. 'Luigi' had himself a plastic bag full of knives and was washing them in wash basin. This wasn't simple cutlery or fruit knives by any chance, this gangster had gone all out. There were all sorts of weird edged blades inside, the sort you'd expect to find some Pathan man wielding when he embarks to restore the izzat of his khandan.

I then took the subway back to Eglinton West station, feeling content - and armed with some fantastic blog material.

First day at school (and more)

2005-09-08T23:09:00.000-04:00

This is the bus stop where I start my day. It's a nice stop that has buses scheduled to arrive ever 3 minutes. No angry frustrated waiting involved.

The bus stop also happens to be located right in front of some Russian exotic massage parlour.

This is the elevator at Eglinton West station. It took them 23 damn months to finish it. And it's still not in service yet. This is what they do to your tax dollars! (and that's why I don't pay any)

Upon arrival at school, I relished in the fact that I was so early. It was the first time of the year, and unfortunately, it'll be the last time I'd be on time - let alone early. As such I decided in an intellectually nourshing and very unusual move to read a book in the library. However, I still kept the reading material to picture books.

Perhaps some of the ladies are already familiar with this phenomenon. In every public facility, the bathrooms with urinals in them are always in far worse condition than the one beside it - sans urinals. This is due to the fact that the majority of men, upon entering a public washroom, will feel this remarkable urge to vandalise and befoul the facilities. The Men's room in the Ryerson library is so spotlessly clean you can actually see reflections in the tiles and faucets. Amazing.

This is the Jane/Finch intersection at 4 AM in the morning. Look at how tame it is. And this place is allegedly one of the roughest in Toronto. More reasons to move to Canada.

"so thats where all the tableeghi books are."

2005-09-06T07:40:00.000-04:00

My first day at school today. So excited and giddy just thinking of all the fun I'm going to have. I'll post later in the day when I've returned with some pictures, and hopefully a story too.

Finally passing the torch on (hell its probably burned out by now)

2005-09-03T10:34:00.000-04:00

nomes passed the 'Musical Baton' to me exactly 2 months ago. And on this very productive (and shockingly unsual) day I pass it on.

But before I do that, a little bit on how productive today is. I gave up MSN a few minutes after midnight until the end of Fall2005 term, woke up early and cooked myself a proper breakfast and even packed my father a lunch while I was at that. My father was so shocked to see me up before him, he asked: 'Where do you have to go today?' Out of sheer disbelief he again asked me the same question a few minutes later.

Then he notices the lunch I packed, thinks for a moment, and inquires, 'do you need money?'

No, I've simply decided to turn my life around starting today and whole-heartedly embrace being an adult. Well, that's the resolution atleast, starting today.

And now, I present the torch:

Total volume of music files on my computer: 1.01 GB. There's actually very few files, but they're all high-quality rips.

Last CD I bought: Never bought one.

Songs playing right now: none.

Five tracks I listen to a lot:
DJ Tiesto - In Search of Sunrise 4 CD1
DJ Tiesto - In Search of Sunrise 4 CD2
Edward Shearmur - Taxi Ride (K-Pax soundtrack)
Zamfir - The Lonely Shepperd (Kill Bill Vol. I soundtrack)
89ers - Words

[Mudasser and Adam, both who received the baton along with me still haven't passed on the original torch. Unlikely they're going to pass this one on. And so I've replaced them]

Three people to whom I'm passing the baton:
Qudsia, Aasiya, and Hajar.

2005-08-30T13:27:00.000-04:00

This is post is dedicated to wish aroosa a happy belated bday. turns out she remembered after all, but was camping in the jungles of Pathanistan and couldn't get net access until a few days after the bday had passed. but, that's still good enough. aroosa's bday was on august 29th. everyone wish her a happy birthday. this year she didn't even have a cake, she simply arranged her kichri into a round cake-like shape and then poured curry over it.

Convos with Bob

2005-08-27T00:46:00.000-04:00

Me: I don't really have a money tree in my backyard, I just made that up.
Bob: I know there wasn't a money tree; those don't exist
Me: I wish I had one in my backyard
Me: then I would take all the money
Me: and invite all these hungry/orphaned/homeless children from third world countries
Me: and we'd all gather in a nice big huge park
Me: and we'd bring so much food
Me: and put it on the tables
Me: and it'd all smell so delicious and the aromas would be wafting around
Bob: awww
Bob: that's soooo sweet
Me: and then
Me: and then
Me: i'll tell them
Me: 'haha, you can't have any, it's all mine'

Allah Punishes Jewish People

2005-08-25T07:40:00.000-04:00

There were some intense showers on Friday here in Toronto. During this time Allah flooded Bathurst to punish the Yahood.

Or so that's what my sources tell me.

Power of Norelco T770

2005-08-23T00:58:00.000-04:00

A while back I posted a picture of my hairy leg, it was around that time I bought a top notch trimmer, but before I used it on my face I figured I oughta try it out on an inconspicious and hairy place to experiment and practice. So I did it on my leg and made a patch. Then a second one. And then I had a whole bunch of them. So I took it all off right up to the knee. The hair has since grown back and will remain there. Shaving my legs is by no means a regular routine, for those of you who now suspect I'm gay.

Before:

After:

Joke Post 3

2005-08-20T17:32:00.000-04:00

A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the underling, "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The underling signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol puts it to the underling's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The underling signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

A meek little man is brought before a judge and the judge looks down at him and says, "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" "Well," says the meek little guy, "I’m a mathematician specializing in the nature of proof." "Yes," says the judge, "please continue." "Well, I was at my library and I found the books I wanted and went to the desk to take them out. The librarian told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And I filled out my forms for a new card. Then I got back in the original line-up and waited." "And then what happened?" asked the judge. "And then the librarian said, ‘Can you prove you’re from Detroit?’ … so I stabbed him.

2005-08-19T21:05:00.000-04:00

I try my hand once in a while at cooking meals in the kitchen. Many times I learn things the hard way. Today's task was to prepare fish for marinating/baking.

When faced with the task of removing the eyeballs I initially tried unsuccessfully to pry it out by inserting a knife around the edges, but then it dangles from what looks to me like optic nerve, and then I hadda grab the eyeball and wrench it out. ewww

Anyone know of any tricks for doing this?

AP & Students Do Rogers Centre

2005-08-07T15:11:00.000-04:00

July 20th was the first time I went on a field trip - as a teacher. The first time I step inside the Rogers Centre (formerly SkyDome) and the first time I saw a full game of MLB.

As you all probably know already I'm getting paid an astounding $8/h to "teach" kids at a summer camp type instituition. One of my responsibilities is taking the kids on trips. Rogers Centre was our first trip and I'd say, the best one so far.

Not that the Jays and Mariners played such an awe-inspiring game, not that the Rogers Centre sears the brain with sensory overload, and not that my students are exactly darling angels, but together the entire experience ranks rather high in my list of outings. It really is a pity I couldn't manage to find my cell phone then (still haven't) so as to capture the moments.

After the kids enjoyed a nice game of indoor football we headed off to Union. The trip there was rather uneventful, except for the fact that during one of our attempts to switch to another subway car I came up short during the head count. I looked around and saw him waving at us frantically from the next car. He should have run faster.

The entrance to the Rogers Centre wasn't characteristically Torontonian. Hardly a single non-white in sight. I suppose it's just them who fuel the dying Jays now.

Getting to our level-500 (and free) seats was a lot tougher for me than it is for most. My very insane fear of heights made the process somewhat more eventful than it should have been. I know people bash level-500, and I can understand their arguments if they were going to a concert or some other similar event. But for a baseball game, level-500 is definitely ideal. You have a full unobstructed view of the entire field. You can spot the fly balls better than any other level in the entire stadium. You can't make out the detailed features of Orlando Hudson - but that's fine.

The scene was just exhilirating. Perfect July weather, few white wisps in the sky, Rogers Centre AC working away hard to keep the air cool and low in humidity, stadium roof drawn open, and our seat happened to be facing the CN Tower and the rest of the Toronto skyline. There with me to enjoy the experience (and help control the kids) were the illest mofo's this side of Rexdale - former highschool friends Uthman and Imran.

Getting up from the seats to go pray salat was another adventure I could have done without, it was made worse by kids clambering up from their own seats to find out where we were going - the crowds dispersed pretty quick once I told them why we were leaving. Enforcing salat on them is a tougher job than you'd think - and I wasn't about to start in the middle of Rogers Centre.

Game ended with Jays winning by a considerable margin and off we headed home. I told a few of the kids that I'd drop them off. We walked home and found nobody there and the car gone. Apparently the parents had gone to meet some Patel-relative. After some quick thinking and intruding on sleepy neighbourhood folks I managed to secure a ride for two of the kids with a guy who was down right scary. I don't mean that 'oh he's creepy' sort of personality. This guy scared the shit outta me and I don't scare of even the black people on Eglinton West.

That left just my trip volunteer Uthman who needed driving home. I finally got our car at midnight and we headed off - with absolutely no intention of going to his house. A tank full of gas, a wallet full of cash and a burning realization that we wouldn't always be 18 was all we needed to have a good time.

Driving around looking for a place to eat through the wee hours is something that you just have to experience - Harold and Kumar just can't do it justice. At one point I took a highway exit and realized that there was indeed a fellow blog fan who lived not too far. I told Uthman we were gonna go drive to her house.

Uthman: Dude, wtf you planning to do once we get there?
Me: ...

Well we got there, inspected her lawn under the illumination of the street lights and found it to be satisfactorily clean. But she wasn't outside nor was anyone else. I think we were expecting some angry desi father whom we could perhaps enrage with questions about his daughter - but no such luck. Running out of ideas we honked and drove off. Totally unjustifiable behaviour - but some situations just don't suit the classy-refined-male act.

After visiting countless places with dimmed lights and locked doors we finally found ourselves a drive-thru near Uthman's house. I dropped him off and got lost in the maze of cul-de-sac's and one-way's in his posh neighbourhood - designed well to keep the commoners out. And it kept me from getting back on the highway for a good long while. My usual highway exit was under construction and closed so I had to make a major detour and hence got home even later.

I shudder when I try to imagine what my dad must have suspected us of doing all this while. He has an overactive imagination and feels that the variable 'X' in following equation [ young men + out at night = X] always equals out to 'hookers'.

So that was that. Coming up next is 'AP & Students Do High Park' ... 'AP & Students Do Ontario Science Centre' and much more.

Because everyone's just been dying to know, the lucky blog fan whose home was visited in the above mentioned post was Saima.

2005-07-26T23:56:00.000-04:00

July 18th: Another birthday passes and not a single person remembers. I'm seeing this trend here.

AP & Fayez's Off-roading Adventure

2005-07-06T12:14:00.000-04:00

A couple weeks back my African-Canadian cousin Fayez showed up at my doorstep with this:

Never one to give up an opportunity to drive a someone else's car I didn't waste any time and took it for a drive on Highway 400.

Seen here is me headed north on the 400, approaching Langstaff Rd exit.

I personally had no idea such a device existed. GM's outdone itself this time. Electronic switch which allows you to choose (on the fly!) between torque transmission settings. 2HI, 4HI, 4LO, and 4AWD.

After a while I bored myself with driving in a straight line on the highway. I decided it was time to put this fine bitch of an SUV to an off-roading test. I took a random exit off of the 400 and found myself this desolate construction site complete with many large mounds and ditches. Shifted into AWD and remembered everything I'd learned about off-roading from TV.

Here's a rather crap picture of our playground.

Seen below is a hill that I conquered. I must say that despite the deplorable throttle response this engine gives (typical GMC quality), it sure does provide a solid amount of torque right through the entire rev range.

After conquering the land, we were drawn to this pond nearby and decided it was now time to battle the water. We planned on teaching the pond a lesson or two with our fine V8 beast of an off-roader. Theoretically here's what we expected to happen:

And then it turned out that the TV people lied to me. When driving into a pond, you're not supposed to run into it full throtle.

Here's what happened instead:

We worked for about an hour trying to get the car out. But the mud was just too soft and gooey. The front end weight bias of our car forced the front tires deep into the mud. Without any traction at any of the axles we sat down and started thinking over any physics questions we ever encountered regarding cars stuck in mud. After about an hour of trying with a shovel and a couple of planks, a nice Portugese man came along.

"Boys what were you thinking?"..."If I no see car stuck here, I no fucking believe anyone if they tell me so."

Despite his disapproval of our decision, $40 persuaded him to get his bulldozer and pull us out.

'where?! where?!'

2005-06-23T09:31:00.000-04:00

I have a young 30 month old cousin who talks in the third person. He call himself bhai.

ie: 'bhai ney bookh lagey' - bhai is hungry; 'bhai didee ney lakri tee marey' - bhai is going to beat the dog with a stick (this is a crazy habit of his, i stopped taking him to the park because of this. Everytime he see's a dog walking along in the park, he'll grab himself a stick and run after it)

I took him out for a ride to the dollar store a couple days ago in my minivan. He behaved himself well on the ride to the store, staring out of the window and incessantly asking me pointless questions, the same ones over and over again.

'Are we going to your house?' ... 'No, we're going to the dollar store to buy chocolates.' ... 'Are you gonna drive me to your house?' ... 'NO, I'm driving you to the mall to the dollar store' ... and so on so forth the during the entire journey.

It was on the trip back that my story culminates into a punch line.

I saw some cops on the side of the street arresting someone. I remembered that my cousin was without his carseat, so I told him, 'Bhai sit far back into the seat, there's cops around'

*runs up to the front beside me* 'WHERE?! WHERE?!'

Joke Post II

2005-06-20T14:40:00.000-04:00

Today's post is another installment in the 'Jokes from AP's Past' series. This one is ancient, most of you may have heard it before (unfortunately). I actually got this one from my mom. Now don't jump to conclusions and think AP is a total loser who has to rely on his mother for his humourous inspirations; but instead try to comprehend a mom so cool she defies most attempts at descriptions. And of course it also leads me to fathom - in vain - the scope of her disappointment in producing a first-born the likes of myself.

Today's joke is far less offensive than the one featured in my previous installment. I've changed the names to reflect regular commentors on my blog. Plus I've added a bit of my AP-touch because it makes me feel special and cool.

>>>
Two groups of foreigners are headed from Sau Paulo to Rio de Janiero, Brasilia, by train. AP, Goldi and Bob comprises of one group, and the other group consists of ... Sal ... Qudsia and .... Aasiya.

The handsome manly men are headed to enjoy the acclaimed city of Rio: where the party never stops and the women are most promiscious.

The socially concious women on the other hand are headed to the notorious slums situated on the slopes to study the socio-economic challenges of this demographic strata or some other equally pointless bullshit.

Now while boarding for the train, the women notice that the men purchase only one ticket for the group. Giggling amongst themselves and waiting for the ticket collector to open up a can of whoop ass on the three, they seat themselves and their 3 tickets and watch. To their utter surprise, the men file into the latrine and shut the door. When the collector comes around, he knocks on the door. The door opens just a crack and a ticket is slipped through the side. The women, shocked with this plan of sheer brilliance, begrudgingly admit its a pretty neat idea and decide to cut some budget costs by employing the same tactic on their return trip.

On the return trip Aasiya, Qudsia and Sal buy themselves one ticket. To their astonishment, AP, Goldi and Bob buy none. Convinced that the ticket collector will definitely open that overdue can of whoop ass on the three they file into the latrine and shut the door...

The handsome manly men thereafter board the train, knock on the door and grab the ticket that is slipped through the crack.
>>>

btw, I've updated your link Modest Hijabi. And I will definitely carry on the torch nomes in my next (and soon to come) post.

How DOES Mr. Escalator-inventor-man do it?

2005-03-22T16:00:00.000-05:00

While enjoying a good scratch recently I found myself intrigued with the inner workings of an escalator. Ever notice how an escalator operates at a constant speed, regardless of the load? Let's try to break down the physics of this.

Let's say an escalator motor has a rating of 2 kW (for those unfamiliar with metric units of power, that's 2.681 horsepower). AP and Goldi hop on, that's a combined mass of approximately 160 kg. Neglecting losses due to friction etc., our rate of vertical ascension would be 1.2756 m/s. Now let's say a mother and child in stroller decide to get on after us, with a combined mass of 76 kg. Assuming that the motor performs at maximum capacity at all time, the rate of ascent of the system should slow down to 0.8648 m/s. A third passenger hops on after the mother, a big fat cow of a woman. We'll call her Keisha, and she weighs in at a whopping 137 kg. Her addition would slow the escalator to a crawl of 0.5471 m/s. By now AP and Goldi have reached the top and hop off, this decrease in applied force would result in an increase in speed to 0.9583 m/s. A sudden acceleration would most likely topple the stroller and baby inside, but luckily the fat black lady at the bottom will cushion the fall of cute likkle baby :-). However, in reality, I've never noticed an escalator reacting like this to increases/decreases in loads - and that's a good thing because we don't always have fat people to prevent little children from being dropped on their heads. Just how exactly the Mr. Escalator-inventor-man did this is beyond me, but I'd sure like to find out.

(sometimes the post has no title)

2005-03-08T06:54:00.000-05:00

Here's a little something Asif Nana and I were discussing a few days ago. We laughed and joked at the stupid answers people will give to this question. Let's see what blog readers will have to say to this dilemma:

Two stacked and totally ditzy bimbo's are walking down the street. It's real cold so Bimbo A says to Bimbo B, 'gf, it's 0 degrees Celsius right now and the weatherman said its gonna twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be tomorrow?'

How cold IS it going to be (in Centrigrade of course)?

Speaker's Corner

2005-03-02T08:09:00.000-05:00

CityTV, a local Toronto television station, allows citizens to express their opinions and have them aired. At their Richmond Street studio citizens can enter a booth, pay a few dollars and have their message recorded. These messages are then aired and many will see you do whatever it is that you did in that booth.

AP Online now gives you a chance to express your opinion on any subject matter. Have beef against a fellow blogger? Can't understand why your supermarket doesn't sell healthy full-sized cucumbers? Wonder why Adam repeatedly makes use of his classic phrase 'wet/sticky' and makes references to premature ejaculations? Not sure which of your pieces of lingerie looks best on you? Then send some pictures and we'll all decide for you (yes you can send in pictures of places, peoples or things that you might think would be of interest). Have some burning human rights issues on your mind you feel the public should know about? If there is something you want to say, about anything at all, simply send me an email (at a_patel65@hotmail.com) with the attached message. If you wish not to disclose your identity, have that clearly stated in your email and I will post it as anonymous.

Nutty blog

2005-02-19T17:28:00.000-05:00

Here's a blog with some very vivid and well written short pieces. It's got my thumbs up, and I think you might give it yours too.

http://nutters-doughnut.blogspot.com/

Confession of a fetish

2005-02-16T12:03:00.000-05:00

Resolution. It makes AP hot. And lack of it, turns me off. Some may already know about this resolution fetish of mine from such quotes as 'high resolution for high arousal'. This infatuation with a quality image transcends far beyond sexually explicit cinematic productions. In fact, resolution has had my thumbs up from the very beginning.

It all started when I was a young immigrant boy with his new TV. In those days, we were poor. To such an extent that our meals always consisted of a dry crust of bread dipped in water, and when luck would have it we'd get some salt and pepper to mix in with the water. As poor people we couldn't afford cable - or so my father told me - and instead we got ourselves an antenna and made do with that. Back then we lived on the 11th floor of 1440 Lawerence Av W in an apartment facing the south side, no obtrusions for the signals and the resultant resolution rivalled cable TV quality. Those were the good days.

Alas, all good things must come to pass and so it was true with the UHF reception. Not long after my family moved to the 6th floor in an apartment facing the north side. Directly in front of us was another apartment building. The good times of high resolution were over. I fumbled with the antenna endlessly so that I might be able to get some viewing done, alas it was all in vain. Finally in utter exhasperation I gave up, put my head between my knees and cried in despair (btw, keep in mind that this is the story of an 8 year old AP). For the next couple of years I endured that torture, watching tv shows that were painfully blurred and distorted. Sometimes the picture would become clear and crisp and leave me exhilirated, only for it to lose the reception during the most exciting part of the show.

In grade 6 I took up reading full time and gave up on the hassle of watching TV without cable. It remained so until I got internet in spring of 2000. Ever since then reading has gone down hill. Now that I have Sympatico broadband I download insane amounts of pirated DVD-quality movies. If a movie turns out to be some cam, I'll delete it, no matter how much I want to watch it. Similarly, I'll endure a plotless movie just because its such a quality DVD-rip.

And so there you have it. The history behind AP's resolution fetish.

AP & Goldi Do Weekly Ijtima At Madina/Danforth/Spadina

2005-02-13T23:14:00.000-05:00

These adventures and the resultant picture posts are becoming rather regular now. And each time we remark very often at how much we need a digital camera. Something small, lightweight and 4 megapixels or better. Canon SD300 seems ideal. But until then, enjoy our T610 shot pictures.

This week's adventure begins at Madina Masjid, aka 'Tableeghi Central'.

Naturally we had no intention of partaking in the noor of the weekly ijtima held there (we did attend half the evening bayaan and also the Fajr bayaan). Instead we made mashwara and decided to be ourselves and take pictures of brothers' shoes.

... and pillows.

No doubt, enjoying the culinary delights that Danforth has to offer was high on our list of 'Tableegh Jamaat Disapproved Things To Do'. Here you can see our cheese burgers being prepared.

Featured here are the renown 'Makka Restaurant' kebobs (Bihari and shish). Well worth the price.

Donlands subway station, gateway to Tableeghi Central.

In vain I attempted to convince two clowns (Mudasser and fellow Ryerson saathi) that there was noor in the Masjid food and it was due to their ignorance that they couldn't appreciate it. They told me it wasn't noor I was eating but oil.

Not content to commit minor amounts of sin we ventured onto Danforth in search of a Tim Horton's after Fajr under the pretense of obtaining breakfast. It just so happens I am eating that breakfast donut as I type this.

'What does that say Mudasser Ali?'...'I don't know AP, looks Greek to me' (that was your daily dosage of corny humour)

Remember Zorba's restaurant from 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding'?

Autographed portrait of Nia Vardalos (Toula Portokalos from 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding) in the restaurant front. I'm not sure what exactly, but there is definitely some sort of connection these restaurants have with the movie.

'Love puts a twinkle in your eye and a dent in your pocket.' This is one of those things that don't need my commentary.

Jewish Community Centre (I doubt you can make out the words though). We said 'hi' to a pretty Jewish girl, she shrieked and ran off. Stupid Jew, we just said 'hi' not 'salaams'.

Next stop: Spadina. In Toronto Spadia is synonymous with Chinatown, home to unfriendly jewelery shop owners who don't open the door for us and bargain computer stores.

Streetcar on Spadina. I'm under the impression most cities don't have these. It's like a train, travels on tracks on the road and costs the city lots of money.

Street car tracks. As Mudasser Ali found out the hard way, its not a good idea to walk on then while a streetcar is coming head on.

College & Spadina intersection. Off in the distance there you can see the buildings of U of T.

I told you so.

The purpose of our trip to Chinatown was for Mudasser Ali to buy himself an SD card. Realizing that we had another 2 hours before that store opened we figured that a wholesome dosage of MSN would be in good taste.

Log-in screen at Cyber Share. We're definitely in Chinatown now.

Spadina is so cool.

Displayed at a sushi restaurant front.

Bamboo sticks. The staple of any well disciplined childhood.

Police cruiser. It is our goal at AP Online to get a thumbs up shot from a cop.

Seen in a hardware store front is a toilet chained to a rotary saw. We came up with many interesting theories of the possible connection these two could possibly have.

The source of our pc acessories shopping bargains.

'St. Vladimir Institute. Ukranian Canadian Museum, Ontario Branch.' I am so going to apply for a summer job here.

Yonge & Dundas.

Eaton Centre.

Only the fear of marring my pristine 'Good Gujerati Boy' reputation prevented me from purchasing this t-shirt.

... and this.

AP & Goldi Do Paramount 6/Cantu

2005-02-10T01:10:00.001-05:00

This weeks adventure takes us to Cantu and Famous Players' flagship Paramount 6 cinema. Cantu was perhaps the most extravagant store the two of us have ever been to. Famous Players claims the Paramount 6 is the best they have to offer. While in Famous Players we enjoyed Finding Neverland, a movie about a man who plays with little boys instead of going home to his newly wed wife. Oh and Kate Winslet was in it too.

First off, Cantu adventure:
If I had one word to describe the store, from furniture to prices to the salesperons, it'd be 'Mafiosi'. Massive tables made from a SINGLE plank of wood costing more than a Lexus, simple looking computer stools priced at over a grand, and a guy wearing a suit looking straight out of a mob movie. Apparently Cantu is a city in the Lombardia region of Italy, where they've been making plenty of furniture since the 17th century. All the products inside the store were made in Lombardia. Lombardia is in northern Italy (this is where they make Ferraris and Lamborghinis). So those of you who thought this place was 'tacky', think again. Maybe it doesn't suit your taste, but this was top notch craftmanship.

The shelf that attracted my attention was priced at an extravagant $1995. You can fill in the blanks from there.

Close up shot I snuck while I thought saleswoman wasn't looking.

Paramount 6 adventure:
Due to popular demand, here's an uncut picture.

32B Renforth. The bus AP takes, now you know where to begin stalking.

View from Eglinton West Station.

Sign posted on the doors of Eglinton West subway station: 'Close the fucking door'

'It get cold in here, mother fuckers.'

Ad posted in Osgoode Station. This was pointless as far as I'm concerned.

Shot of the southbound subway tunnel between St. Patrick and Osgoode.

Shot of Osgoode Station from inside the subway.

Queen St. and Richmond St. W.(using Night Mode).

Adjacent Chapters. This place looks slick. If you're in TO, it's definitely worth seeing.

Paramount 6. A classy cinematic experience indeed, in the heart of Toronto's theatre district.

Entrance. This place is fun even with an ugly date.

Hm.

A massive Star Wars/Star Trek prop hanging from the ceiling near the entrance area.

We thought of Qudsia when snapping this picture. Perhaps she'll be kind enough to grace us with a full review of the movie - complete with analysis of gender issues.

Post worthy shot. No explanation required.

This is the steepest and longest escalator I've ever seen. A wide angle lens on a Nikon could effectively capture the sheer panorama of this site. If it weren't for the vertigo, I'd have taken pictures from the top looking down.

If it's free, we're definitely going to approve.

My nerd nature shows through.

'Are you thinking what I'm thinking AP?'...'Yes I am Mudasser, judging from the hue of the light I should think it emnates from a halogen source'...'Not THAT man'...'Oh, then please do enlighten me.'

'This way I can unload the meanest cargo and nobody will laugh at the unholy sounds or the terrible smell'...'Your theory intrigues me Mudasser'

Something tells me this may not be a first.

Basking in the glow of that feeling you get after a job well done, the feeling that all is well with the world.

Kate Winslet - what a riveting actress.

Here's a philosophy to live by.

Shelf dilemma

2005-02-04T22:58:00.001-05:00

Not too many months ago I felt that my room (like my wardrobe) was badly in need of a thorough overhaul. That whole project deserves a series of blog entries to itself, but today's post is about the shelf. Putting books under my bed is tiring after a while. I feel that what my room needs is a shelf so I can stack my 11 physics and other textbooks on it and pretend to everyone I read all those.

Recently I've noticed a beautiful shelf in the display window at a furniture store nearyby. A little background information on the store. It's called Cantu, it's on the ghetto Eglinton West, always has beautiful sets displayed in the windows (the likes of which the ghetto residents could never afford), their furniture is like the type you see in movies in the apartments of artists (think abstract modern art), everyone agrees that they've never seen anyone go inside the store, and finally - the clincher - the store is owned by the mob (I'm dead serious).

I've been tempted many times in the past few weeks to inquire about that shelf. In fact, yesterday I almost opened the door. I ran away after I saw an Italian guy sitting inside in a suit, I've seen too many Mob movies to fall into a trap like that. But I took some pictures. Let's see what everyone else thinks of the spacey looking shelf. Monday for sure I'm going to go inside and ask the price, I'll put that up there too.

What do blog readers suggest, yes/no?

P.S. I've realized right now that since the shelf is made of glass, there's no way this is going to be a practical solution for the book dilemma, but it sure looks nice.

Shelf at daytime with Night Mode enabled.

Shelf at daytime.

Shelf at night.

Goldi & AP do McMaster

2005-02-01T22:13:00.000-05:00

A trip to McMaster was long overdue since last spring. Initially we'd made plans for Thursday, but that had to be postponed because Thursday I had an unexpected 12 hour long kidney stone adventure at St. Joseph's Hospital. I'll cover that in another blog entry soon. I finally got to meet Sabaah Choudhary and the illustrious cast of 'The Conversation'. It's quite a feeling having people you've never met in your life or spoken with come up to you and say hello. I'm a celebrity.

Our much anticipated day is finally here. And I'm late.

My journey starts on the immaculately clean subways of the Toronto Transit Commission.

Trek to downtown Toronto. Board the GO (Government of Ontario) bus. Destination: Hamilton.

I encounter the SkyDome on my journey. One of the most financially disastorous projects the Government of Ontario has undertaken. RIS was held here in December.

Arrive at the Hamilton GO station.

Still have a long while to wait before Mudasser shows up. So I decide to do something I haven't done in ages - indulge in some media. I did so with the classiest paper of them all, The Globe And Mail.

After a short adventure in Jackson Square we board the local transit to McMaster University.

Whilst in McMaster Student Centre I am bestowed the honour of meeting Hamza Moin in person.

We notice that someone else thinks on the same wave length as I do. (Remember, 'Please, call me Daddy')

I'm tempted to purchase, but my Desi instincts prevail.

There's no way I was going to miss a picture opportunity like this.

Hamza claim he has work to do and bids us farewell. We later see him sitting in some guy's lap.

With Hamza gone I figured we should brand a lucky (and hot) girl with our notorious thumbs up badge of approval.

Our camera didn't do her cuteness justice.

'Here's our football field'...'Yes I can see that.'

Harass a random innocent brother and approve his blue cap.

I'm warned before I journey into Mudasser Ali's locker area, 'You might see naked men walking around.'

Thumbs up for the LCD TV with wide angular.

LCD TV with wide angular in a refrigerator? A single thumbs up doesn't do that justice.

AP is always prepared. You'd be surprised how often I reach for it.

Fruits of our last chill session. These may look like $100 shoes, but cost us a mere $23. We're so proud of ourselves.

We figured we could overpower the brown guy sitting inside this Mercedes. But I had to get back home so we saved this adventure for another time and another pic post.

We definitely approve, because Opium is a hell of a fragrance.

This Russian guy feels the need to wear the same brand watch as me. How cool is that?

Catching up on my finances the good ol' fashioned way.

Another great session comes to an end. I know people who'd say this was a day wasted. I say it was an educational experience. I learned that before I assume some guy with a green coat is Mudasser Ali and decide to slap him on the back of head, I should make sure.

AP Online Idol contest details

2005-02-01T01:09:00.000-05:00

First and foremost I want to assure you that this isn't a sleaze attempt by a nerd Gujarati boy to check out women. Seriously, if that's what I wanted I'd stick with Kazaa. Think of this as your chance to feel special and fulfill your secret fantasy to be an Idol just like that girl from American Idol.

I came up with the contest outline while trimming the hair from my legs (there's going to be a blog entry about that coming right up) so it is by no means an exhaustive collections of regulations. If you've got questions ask me and I'll answer them. I of course reserve the right to add fine print any time it's deemed necessary.

Now I'm not too familiar with this Idol business having never seen a single episode of either American, Canadian or World Idol. Someone told me recently that a true Idol contest is open to both male and female contestants and has them singing and such, it's not just a picture. So if you're a guy and want to join, you're welcome. If you wanna submit something YOU sang, that's cool too.

Send us your picture. Something that was taken within the past two years. I don't want to see your baby pictures. Unless of course you were an incredibly cute baby, because I'm cool with that. Make sure it's something in which you can clearly be seen. Image quality/resolution will play a small role in the judging process. Picture of the face is fine. Full body picture will get extra points. Nude pics are welcomed but not suitable for entry into the contest.

I'll soon appoint a female judge to the bench. Perhaps two. We're keeping it unbiased.

a_patel65@hotmail.com is my email address.

AP Online guarantees you 100% privacy. In fact I'd even send you my privacy policy if I had one. Basically, it's going to be handled in the usual honourable AP way. It will not end up circulating on the internet nor will I claim to others that you're my gf.

Oh and how could I possibly forget. There will DEFINITELY be a nice proper prize for the winner. Something that costs me, plenty of money. I'm going to appoint someone to take care of that. And I'm going to come up with a prize for ALL the contestants as a token of appreciation for generously taking the time out of their lives so that the AP Online Idol wouldn't be an embarassing failure.

And that's all I can think of right now while engaging in hair removal activities.

AP Online Idol

2005-01-29T01:59:00.000-05:00

(I originally wrote this post on October 29, 2004. I felt however that it wasn't ready to post justthen and I waited until the time would be right. It seems right now the time is perfect.)

It's about time we put an end to the mystery that has puzzled (hu)mankind (Qudsia is always in my thoughts) since the dawn of time:

Who IS the hottest woman that frequents AP Online?

To join this contest you can email me a pic and an expert panel of judges (most likely me and Mudasser) will determine the winner based on a list of solely objective criteria. Remember we're judging you on your hotness and not on how much skin you expose. So don't bother baring it all.

Wait, did I just say that?

Ménage à trois

2005-01-26T01:58:00.000-05:00

Me: what's the technical term for when you have a convo on msn with 3 ppl?
Mudasser Ali: menage et trois
(And hence the title)

Of late Adam has introduced me to the very addictive past time of MSN conference chats. We add random contacts to our convo and more often than not have a blast. Here's the latest from that past time of ours.

Adam: i like long walks on the beach
Sam: i like short walks from my bed to my refridgerator

Me: last yr i used to go to nightschool and one guy asks the teacher, 'sir what did you do this weekend?'...'i went to a wine tasting'...'oh really sir? i hear at those places you gotta spit the wine out once you're done tasting it. ha! if liquer ever went into my mouth its never gonna come out'... then his friend Chris asks, 'So sir, do you spit or swallow?'
(I'd often make a random comment that the other two would ignore)

Adam: pissing while standing up is so much fun... pissing in the snow is even better... i bet you've never made yellow snow sam
Sam: yes i have made yellow snow... i've also made a brown wall... in PEI i took a shit on the beach and spelled my last name with it on a cliff wall... it was sweet
Me: that is so outrageous... it deserves a post to itself
Adam: LOL... this girl is GOLD... where did you find her arif
Me: we happened to be in the same homeroom in gr 9
Sam: we were :|?

Adam: infamousbrown.net, that would be me :)... well my site
Me: Sam i think i already told you about my site... and i'm sure you don't remember me telling you about it
Sam: nope you never told me about any site
(is it just me or is there a pattern here?)

Incredible discovery

2005-01-18T04:10:00.000-05:00

(This was just about the most mind blowing thing I've heard in recent memory. Were any of you aware of this?)
Me: hey why do they have those sirens in the middle of them club songs? is that supposedly 'cool'?
Shayi Yogeshwaran: Ye, apparently it's to alert the firemen that the 'roof is on fire'
Me: wow. that's so good, it deserves to be blogged

(In other happenings of the day, here's what good ol' brother Siddique had to say. I love the wording)
From <http://www.muslim-refusenik.com/letters.html>:

Why do you call yourself a Muslim? We really don't need an itch on our asses. Please affiliate yourself with some other religion. I'm sure the Christians would embrace a lesbian with open arms." - Siddique

The 'piss in your pants funny' item of the day is this essay on Oedipus. I nearly died with laughter.

The 'WTF?' story of the day can be found here. Look carefully at the pictures, this is real. Not Photoshopped.

Now this here has some major potential for fun.

Pic post

2005-01-12T03:22:00.000-05:00

So finally I lived up to my promise and delivered my pic post.

USB device which allows me to wirelessly connect the cell phone to the PC and feel oh so 21st centurish (and makes all of this possible).

Armed with this incredible power to capture anything, I decided of all things to take pictures of my lowerbody for all to enjoy.

Can you guess which method of hair removal I employ?

My rug. The photography doesn't get any more exhilirating than this.

My attempts at doing an artistic bit of photography.

This is what I do when I'm studying in my room.

Jamaat during winter break to Waterloo, Ontario.

Jamaat Saathi.

Dome at Waterloo mosque.

Returned from jamaat, saw that father had purchased a rotisserie.

Uncooked frozen chicken BEFORE AP's magic touch.

AFTER AP's magic touch. It tastes as good as it looks. It's sitting in a platter surround by salad - courtesy of my sister. (Making chicken in the rotisserie was so addictive, I kept making them and eating them as soon as they were done. Now I know how fat people feel. Bichara)

BLX decided to have a reunion. We went to see Ocean's 12 at Yorkdale.

A few of the BLX members @ Famous Players

Picture of Scott Rd. (and Masjid Noor in the background). This has been my hood ever since I came to Canada.

Mudasser Ali approving of oranges at Eaton Centre.

The one pic Mudasser Ali took. (That's me btw)

Good Idea vs. Bad Idea

2005-01-05T22:13:00.000-05:00

Good Idea: Drinking a cup of dark black coffee at father's autoshop to stay awake and hence work harder.
Bad Idea: Mistaking a cup of used engine oil for dark black coffee.

Good Idea: Shaving one's head during Hajj season so that people may assume you're headed for Mecca and bring you Hadiya.
Bad Idea: (I don't have to paint a picture for this one do I?)

Good Idea: Eating nice tasty halal pizza from Kabul Farms.
Bad Idea: Eating nice tasty halal pizza from Kabul Farms while trying to manuveur a large van through icy backroads with a cop behind you.

(The following was also a pretty good idea on my part)
Me: Asif, my condolences to you and your family over the recent and tragic death of your grandfather.
Asif: Uh, thanks.
Me: But the important thing is that your father is in India attending the funeral and his car is here.
(I don't think the bad idea bit is applicable in this one)

'Grannies Gone Wild 2' coming soon...

2004-12-27T22:32:00.000-05:00

I've been collecting material for my next post for a long while now. It's gonna be a pic post (with pics I took using my new Sony Ericsson T610). They're very low quality pics, but its gonna be a great post nonetheless.

So today I tried to give myself a hair cut, and it didn't go so well. So I had to shave my head off. Then once I was done I was faced with a terrible dilemma, do I put on aftershave or not? So I put on some Givenchy Pour Homme aftershave on my head before heading off to the BLX's get-together.

So how was your winter break so far? (I've noticed each time I make an attempt to garner some feedback from you people, I'm just ignored. Please prove me wrong this time.)

Tards

2004-12-16T04:35:00.000-05:00

I've been studying hardcore for the past while and felt it was due time for a break. So I'm on this blog run by a Special Ed teacher who writes about the unbelievably hilarious and retarded things her tard students do. I felt I had to link all of you to this Tard-Blog.

I leave you now with a few quotes from that site:

- I got pulled over for speeding in a school zone. I had to pull into the school parking lot to deal with the cop. He left his lights flashing, and everyone was staring. The short busses pull in, my kids wave at me, see the police lights, and think I am getting in big trouble. One tard refuses to get off the bus. Apparently he has learned from incidents with his parents that flashing lights mean daddy is going away for awhile.

- Kids learned a new song in music. I go to pick them up. The music teacher tells them to sing me the song. They all had forgotten it.

- Ivan brought food coloring from home, and then eats it.

- I tell Zach to stop picking his nose. He tells me his mom says it is OK to pick your nose, just not OK to eat the boogies.

- I am reading "Red Racer" to the kids. It is about a girl who tries to ruin her bike so her parents will buy her a new one. One page describes the sound as her bike goes over a cliff like this "bong, bong, bong." Ivan raised his hand and said his dad has a bong

Exam week

2004-12-12T17:54:00.000-05:00

I was prompted to make this post by Sal's comment: hi. update?

I'm in the midst of my 6-course exam week. I have 4 remaining, 1 of them is scheduled less than 12h from now. And none of the exams is from a course called 'Women in the 21st Century' or 'Caribbean Studies'. So yeah, things are tough right now. Right after the last exam on Saturday I'll be off to a Tabligh Jamaat adventure for the winter holidays. Don't expect a post until 2005. Before I leave you people AP-deprived I have something to clarify.

The phrase 'lesbian donkey porn' is one coined by the legend of a man, Tucker Max. The phrase appears in one of Tucker Max's stories (The MTV Story). I figured that the term was meant to describe porno involving lesbian women and a donkey. But your feedback on it got me thinking that perhaps it connotates some other meaning. I shall email Tucker Max and hope he has time to respond with a clarification. For those of you who don't have time to read Tucker's page and find out who he is, I'll give you a short bio.

Tucker Max is a real person, that really is his name. He's in his late 20's now, and a graduate of Duke Law School. He set up a 'Date Tucker' website as a joke/bet. Apparently it became huge and caught MTV's attention and they followed him around in his eventful life for 3 days. Tucker became an instant celebrity when they aired the show. Tucker doesn't do much with his life. He has sex as often as he can and drinks a lot (and thus finds himself engaging in bodily functions during inappopriate times in inappropriate places).

Disturbing MSN Conversations:
Me: I'm reading this story about a nurse who killed babies
Sabaah: lol
...
Me: that's not funny, that's the 'you deserve to be strangled with your own intestines' stupid
Sabaah: ahahahahaha, okay frankly i find that a bit funny ;) :P
...
Me: aren't kittens just amazing?
Sabaah: I like grabbing stray ones and then cutting them up in my basement, I like how they squirm and twitch when you dissect them
(ok the third one i made up, but the first two actually happened)

Post dilemma

2004-12-08T02:43:00.000-05:00

My long patient wait has finally been rewarded (no no, I haven't made it to the top of the hospital's sex change surgery waiting list yet): I finally have some inspiration for this blog.

Like an overly excited hijabi girl who finally finds true love and a guy to marry after having crushed on random guys all her life, I too have finally found my answer. The definitive answer.

This day (or night?) marks AP's transition from a blog whore (or gigolo rather) who posts only for ratings to one who's blogging is nothing short of art. Ok well maybe not that cool, but yes, posts shall now be from the heart.

Posts will be made when inspiration warrants. Not when ratings drop (btw, ratings have hit the lowest levels since the inception of my blog).

This will become a means to help you get a glimpse into the questions that riddle my mind. 'What angle do you have to lean at relative to the normal within an accelerating body as a function of change in velocity to maintain balance?'...'When rainwater flows down a roof, which angle of descent ensures it'll land furthest?'...'What is a more vile creation - cannablistic pedophiles or rude black women on the bus?'

The answers to these questions and many more await in the near future. Furthermore, curious visitors to the blog will be allowed to ask things they always wanted to know about AP but Google wouldn't find for them. Things like 'Are you single?'...'Is OHIP covering your sex change operation?'...'When people ask you for directions on the subway, do you lie to them and tell them they're going in the wrong direction?'...'Is writing your name with feces on people's windows as fun as it seems?' For those who're curious, the answer to all but the 2nd question is yes (damn you Ontario Health Minister Tony Clement!).

Stay tuned for more (those of you who still visit).

AP Online would be like...

2004-12-01T18:13:00.000-05:00

Mudasser: Yes. Neat, clean and classy are defining characteristics of AP Online. No waitresses, we don't serve foods and/or beverages. We only supply a steady stream of vulgar humour.
Sal/Brutella: Yes. No food. No mice however, just talks of mice.
Slime: No. Why the hell would we have firearms?
AussieMama: What's so scary about AP Online manifesting itself in reality? We'd have Australian 'firemen-hungry' MILF's gracing us with their presence.
Ismail: Yes. For some strange inexplicable reason, the overwhelming majority of the site's traffic comes from women.
Sabaah: No. We're not going to have any posters of cars simply because of the fact that there are no pictures of cars on this site.
Aasiya: No. There's no music on the site, so there wouldn't be any music - especially now that I'm on music break. But there would be talks of putting in our 5.1-channel Bose Surround Sound to play 'Islamic audio'.
Ally: Yes. We would do that.

You know how I envision Blogger to be? It'd be this big huge building with lots of little rooms. Each room would be a blog. Most of these rooms (blogs) would never get any visitors. AP Online would be a dark room filled with lots of educated (and a few ubhur) women. Hot ones too ;). And we'd have an average of 60 unique visitors per day. 7 out of 10 visitors would hail from some part of Canada. Americans and Britons would also comprise a large portion of the nationalities that visited us. Ocassionally we'd have visitors from places as widespread as China, Sri Lanka, Kuwait, Denmark and Ecuador.

We'd have a PR manager who employs extreme tactics to promote the place.

We'd hire a contractor named 'Fayez' to renovate, but he'd screw up and run off leaving a note saying our room has been broken into.

Our racially offensive jokes and general dislike for blacks would be renown.

I'd also be very proud to play host to such an incredibly cool and hip place. Oh and I'd also be completely baffled at the overall success of the blog. The sheer number of daily hits still amazes me. So many drop by everyday just to see what I had to say.

What if the internet was a real place ...

2004-11-29T11:45:00.000-05:00

Inspired by a skit from 'The Chappelle Show' which was based on the premise of one question, 'what if the internet was a real place?'. Chappelle goes inside this big white warehouse type building dubbed 'the internet' and finds himself faced with the all too familiar site of pop-ups, chat rooms, porno sites, pirated music & movie sources etc.

So that got me thinking, if the internet was a real place, what would ap-online be like?

I'm going to post my version of what it would be like in the following post, I want to hear what you guys have to say first.

Kutaa

2004-11-22T23:09:00.000-05:00

Kutaa is the mouse I referred to in the previous post. I caught him yesterday. I cleverly set up the mouse glue traps in such as way that he'd end up getting his feet stuck in one strap. I placed a sock in front of it in which I figured he'd crawl into, when he was in, I picked up the sock and threw it out my window. What I didn't know was that he wasn't the only one.

So today Kutaa's brother got stuck. He got each half of his body stuck on two glue traps. Now here comes the dilemma. What the hell am I going to do with him? I can't bring myself to kill him, I'm just too unmanly to do that. So I sat there and I stared at poor Kutaa Jr. Then I did the only thing that came to my mind, took him outside and tried to forget about him. As soon as I stepped out I felt the cold hit me [I live in Canada, things get really cold here]. I knew he'd freeze to death soon, if the ghetto cats of my neighbourhood didn't kill him first.

It was in this moment, I had an epiphany of sorts. Here was this animal, who had never once in his life displeased his Creator, dying at my hands.

I left him like that outside to freeze and ran back inside. But knowing that he was dying out there while I sat inside prompted me to go back and try to set him loose. So I went back out and tried to pry him loose, but he was stuck and when I tried prying him I thought I'd break his back or something. All of a sudden a flash of brilliance struck me, the glue will disintegrate if it comes into contact with an unsaturated solution, like unsaturated fat. But where where am I going to find unsaturated fat at this time of the night? In cooking oil! Like any other fob family we were well stocked with cooking oil. I poured some into a utensil and poured it over the glue. Who would've thought Gr. 12 chemistry was ever going to come into use?

I hope he escapes and lives a long life and has many mice babies. Hopefully he'll die a painless death and go to mice heaven. And hopefully I won't go to hell for having put him through all that.

Stuff that happened (or I thought about) today

2004-11-21T01:47:00.000-05:00

Riyaz: hey u know what
Me: No but I'm sure you'll tell me [AP', you are always in my thoughts]
Riyaz: going to the library can be of advantage [I often ridicule Riyaz's shamefully devout library habits] / a girl recognized me from RD [RateDesi] and said, "heyyy i know u from ryerson - 10th floor"

Things which can be deduced from the above story:

Riyaz was right, going to the library IS cool.
Riyaz is my hero [even though he says I'm ugly].
You know your university is stupid when your library is frequented by avid fans of RD [I'm directing this at the girl, not Riyaz].

While in HS, Ibrahim and I saw these two white guys whispering to each other with sheepish looks on their face. Finally after debating whatever it was that had occupied their whisperings they make their way over to us and blurt out: 'bhenchod' ...

I remember years ago in India I was at this woman's house in my hometown of Kosamba. The lady was expressing her loathe for the neighbours. She said that one day she found their kids on her roof. She asked them what they were doing up there and they replied, "We're picking bujjya's [pakora's]" ...

I have been doing a lot of cramming for mid-terms. Sometimes I skip certain bits in the textbook which I feel I cannot accomodate into my study session due to a lack of available time. I thought, what if one day I'm working as an engineer and I'm instructed to assess whether or not a certain structure is safe, but I realize I never studied the part where they taught us how to do that. What the hell am I going to do? 'Dude, like I'm totally sorry, but I skipped that lecture' You might say that this fact would heighten the factor of 'if' in the statement, 'what IF one day I'm working as an engineer' ...

I visited Wonderland this year after about a good 8 years. I went with my Patel cousins. While in the theatre with moving seats my cousins decided to be themselves and placed their buckles in such an intricately incorrect way that the usher who came around to check the belts exclaimed, "Guys, what WERE you thinking? I've never seen anything like this in all my 18 years" Makes me wonder, if I'm related to them, how come I came out so boring? [btw, it took him a good 10 min plus a radio call to the supervisor to undo what they'd done]

I live in a semi-detached home and because of that mice ocassionally find their way to our home. But my father's taken lengthy measures to eradicate them, however there's one that's really persistent. He's been making nightly rounds to my closet for a couple of years now. Now he's getting really cocky and scuttles around my room and I can't get to sleep at night. The fact that I'm morbidly afraid of mice doesn't help matters much. So I've begun by arming myself at night by going to bed clutching a 1-inch wide 5-feet long metal pipe. It is NOT overkill...

"Don't go to a strip club. You know those girls don't care about you."..."That's not true. They sit on my lap and tell me they love me."...

In a bout of Ramadhan fever, I deleted my entire music collection and denounced music forever. Since then, I've managed to maintain my resolution with astounding success. The cravings have been incredibly powerful and painful, so I've been trying to soothe them by visiting Joanna's homepage and letting the track run for a good 10 hours. I'm not joking. Same one again and again. Asides from that, alhumdulilah, I'm doing really well ...

Amongst other resolutions I have vowed to make:

No music
No movies
More books
Study harder
Stop acting like a clown and realize I'm no longer a kid
Stop smoking so much f***ing weed!
Stop swearing

That's about all for now. The latest addition to my writing staff (Saima) isn't coming up with any material. Looks like it's just me then to brave the writer's block...

And so end's ap-online...

2004-11-17T10:40:00.000-05:00

This is to inform all of you that I'm going to pull the plug on this blog. This is my last (or maybe 2nd last) post on this blog. Thank you everyone for all your comments and time. I'm going to miss you all.

Yearbook Comments

2004-11-15T17:06:00.000-05:00

The following are comments from my Gr. 12 yr book. I've tried to reproduce them as accurately as possible (including the errors). If you want to ask any questions about the many characters who left a comment, feel free. Enjoy.

Salaam AP,
Wassabe bruh! Well guess we made it through times. Ruffin night school etc. There's not much to say since we'll be in Ryerson next yr!!
L8r bruh =)
- Riyaz S. [Best friend since Gr. 3]

Yo Boss,
Classic time son aka calculatron, tell dem bai! Ur the most straight up guy I seen in Memo. Classic times in ENGLISH dis year.
Peace,
- Upal & Shyi aka the Tamil Gangsta! [In Gr. 12, these were the guys who were there when I needed them]

Arif...
OMG OMG lolllllll (hahaha sorry about that... u know I had to put that in) neways thanks for all the jokes & physics memories. THERE IS NO SHOWDOWN!!! U WON!!! omg good luck next year at Ryerson and in everything u do ... enjoy ur summer, keep in touch and stay sweet
- shalini * [umm..., let's just say Shalini and I have led different paths since then]

Arif,
It's been interesting teaching you again this year. You are a unique juxtaposition of character traits which make you not at all predictable + never boring. Your independent study abilities will allow you to go far in the future (if you let them). Best of luck in the future.
- Mrs. Marshall :-) [Gr. 12 physics teacher]

Hey Bhaiya.
I had a lot of fun with you in Geo & Physics. We made a lot of jokes and I hope we keep in touch over the summer. I wish you all the luck next year at University.
- Irfan Shaikh [If there was one word to describe this guy, it'd be 'bhaiya']

See you next 9/11
- #1 Terrorist [Bhaiya's little brother who annoys me sometimes]

Wish you luck. Keep it up with your University studies as you have done in high school.
- Kandasamy, June 2004 [Gr. 10 computer teacher]

I'M NOT A BARBIE! LIT(erary) CIRCLE WAS THE BEST =) HOPE LIFE BRINGS U THE GREATEST. I LUV U SILLY.
LUV ALWAYS, TIBERIUS
- =) CAROLYN XOX [Finalist in the 2004 Ms. Canada pageant]

Arif,
Those were educational times we had. When you become a scientist and become the first man on Mars drop a transmission to your ol' pal
- Mike H [One of my best pals from Gr. 9]

Excuse me sir,
I will right [write] this entire comment the way you speak...
Hello, Mr. Patel,
It has been a great 10 yrs or so from the "chalo bend down" to BLX and trump. Not to mention your beautiful van. Always stay close and see you next year when you're failing 1st year chem
- Ibrahim Hatia [Need I say more? Basically I've known this guy forever]

Continued from Ibr's...
Excuse sir, hello Friend Arif, how is trump? Whatever happened to the tournament?! oh well. Don't be so hard on yourself hot stuff! You're one funny Bitch! MSN at 2 am in the morning. I know I'm doing something productive at 2 am... but you make me wonder. hmm...
- Anh! 740 **** [I doubt Anh would want me to do display her home number here for everyone to see. Anh was this hot Asian girl who made a ceramic piece in art class and gave it to me, I brought it home and put it on my desk cause it was so beautiful. My mother asked me where I'd got it from and I replied, 'a girl gave it to me']

Arif,
you're very interesting all your talk of Science and math fascinated me. like seriously, take it easy
- Arduino [The only white guy I call friend]

Arif
Schools done man we gotta move on and start over somewhere else. Just don't forget your buds and what you've learned.
Later bro
- Steven Alves [Portugese guy who lives near my house and went to school with]

Arif man,
The high skool dream is over. We're all going our seperate ways, but will always have night skool memories, "SUH!"
- Raheem Khan [One of the boys]

Sup Arif...
I got your back for the physics exam against present... aka Shalz... control your hormones around the Azn girls at Ryerson... Focus next year [Focus!] your a good friend man...I'm out... Repping BLX...
- Mahi [One of the few Sri Lankan guy I like]

Arif!
You were right! I know all about the Free Masons and their control over us. Let's hope you're the one to show the kaffir's
- Mohamed [Amazing guy, I wonder what happened to him]

Hey Arif,
Really good to know someone from my friends with correct grammar. lolz, have a good summer, n i'll keep in touch with you over the summer.
- Umair [Man with a heart of gold. There is no doubt in my mind that if it weren't for him, I would've never made it to Ryerson Eng]

Dear Arif,
It's been a fun thought-provoking time with you. Hopefully you'll come over to the side of Science. And I assure you, the only conspiracy in the world is the one in your head. Good luck in the future, maybe you'll become a doctor, astronaut, etc.
- Aaron Shindman [This really nice Jewish guy I used to talk to right after 40-days jamaat]

Mr. Patel,
I remember the first time I talked to you. We were doing whuzu in the masjid and it was just me & you. You were telling me a story about the Prophet PBUH. keep up those works of wisdom.
- #1 Terrorist [I think I already mentioned him]

Arif,
Even though I didn't have you this year you made a difference as I modified Geo class according to your criticisms the previous year. I hope that you have a great summer and remember there's more to life than work.
Have fun, you deserve it!
- Mr. Vujacic [One of the kindest souls I've ever known, my Gr. 11 Physical Geography teacher]

Arif,
It has been a pleasant year. All the up and downs. OMG. We still have to finish our little situation. Buy again the whole watch lady. I'm sorry man =p [ok even I didn't understand that] But anywho, I love being your friend and I never try to offend you, still haven't! [I REALLY don't know where the hell that came from] Anyways I would love to continue to keep in touch w/ you... Have a great summer and good luck. Take care... gotta go now (typical Cindy Wong line)
Love you lots,
- Cindy Wong [One of the Asian girls from Gr. 11 Economics class I love so much]

Hi Arif!
What a long year it's been!... you owe me tons of favours ;-) All the calculus notes and such. hehe =) You've done enough to help me too.. you go through so much trouble to get things done. Good luck with ryerson engineering. i know you'll do great :-) I'll see you around.. for sure right. Hope you get rich & buy your dream car.. and drive me around sometime. jk. - one of many "blond asians" - "smartest girl in calc" and "your best friend after Riyaz" =p
(Insert beautiful signature)
- Joanna =)
[P.S.] DON'T FORGET ME! IM TOO COOL TO FORGET. LOTS.O.LOVE [Cindy Wong's friend, has the most beautiful arms I've ever seen]

Hi Arif!
It's meeee. the owner of your fantasy porn shop! haha, Arif goes: "Errr, I'm waiting 4 Denise" *he flips through some naughty magazine* Well, since the year's done and over w/ I'll tell you my secret. I don't own a porn shop, but a fruit & veggie store store down on Eglinton W. Don't you come looking 4 me now. It was great meeting you this year. Have fun @ Ryerson!
Love, Denise
(Insert cute signature)
P.S. I'm one of your "asian blonds" and ur not so rude =p oops, sorrie I took up two boxes! (with my comments) [Another one of Cindy Wong's friends, her full name is really Denise Bang]

Reef!
I'll always remember you as the guy w/ the beard & glasses & fast talking & big vocab haha. Best of luck in the future! Try & keep in touch thru others! ha!
- Amy Zhou [Amy Zhou and I often had a clash of wills, but we put things asides on yr book signing day]

Arif Whats goinon budd,
Well Bro stay safe with those motabikes and I will see you at Ryerson in September. Until then Stay Alert Be Safe.
- Andy Brijmohan aka Brij [Someone else who shared my passion of motorcycles]

Arif,
I've enjoyed your radicalism and intellectualism. (although whoever said it is right - we've got to do something about the mumbling!). Thanks for letting me keep your play and for sharing your beliefs while I was trying to edit it. You're an amazing writer, why the heck are you going into sciences? (engineering)
All the best next year
- F. Iatridis-Yee [Gr. 12 English teacher. One of the only two teachers in high school I actually want to go back and meet]

Arif the poet,
All the best in your studies. Keep a balance in your life (echoes of Joy Luck Club) and in your studies. Have a great summer!
(Insert cute sticker of car)
T. Nanos [Gr. 11 English teacher. Unarguably the kindest soul in Memo. Often told me to pursue to a career in writing and not engineering. The other one of the two teachers I felt I wanted to go back and meet]

Arif,
It's been a pleasure watching you rise through the ranks at YMCI. Enjoy Ryerson. I have.
Stay sharp.
- G. Taylor [Gr. 9 English teacher. I so totally wanted to be an English professor back when he taught me]

Hey Arif.
Guess who? That's right. It's celebrity Samantha! This yr has flew by me. I'm not gonna miss this school. But I'll miss you. Well still talk on MSN. We gotta chill sometime. And you have a goto a concert remembe?! You must feel special. I'm using my special marker, and writing a whollleee pg! Hope you have an awesome summer.
Luv ya,
S Landrigan Xoxo [Indeed I DO feel special. The comment Samantha left has to be seen to be appreciated. Written on the back cover of the yr book taking up the entire page from corner to corner in bright big letters with a golden magic marker. And come to think of it, Ms. Landrigan was the only caucasian female I ever spoke to - let alone regarded as friend]

Jewish man runs into wall

2004-11-12T06:04:00.000-05:00

Rushing to arrive for my Chemistry mid-term on time in the midst of my panicking and stressing (which was culminating to nothing short of a prelude to insanity), something extraordinary caught my attention. There's a Jewish man with a Yarmulke on his head and a big long beard running full tilt in utter bewilderment - stark naked and fully erect. He kept looking back for some reason and I cringed when I saw he was about to run head first into a wall. Someone close to him yelled at him to watch out, he turned around just in time to see himself run into the wall. Crunch. He broke his nose.

Post Hiatus

2004-11-09T01:50:00.000-05:00

No more posts until Eid day. Too much %*!#$%^ school work.

While you guys are busy missing me, here's something you might find worthwhile:
http://www.muslim-refusenik.com/news/bbc4-beyondbelief-04-09-20.mov

Stats class with Ibrahim Hatia

2004-11-08T03:39:00.000-05:00

[The ratings are dropping and I feel that its due time for another post. I need to do some other topics, all these posts are on random funny things at school]

So I had nothing to do and Ibrahim Hatia was headed to stats class, I figured I might as well tag along. That decision spawned this post:

His prof was some Oriental lady, couldn't get the pronounciations right. Instead of TV sets, it came out: TV sex; household came out as house hoes.

(RyePride is the Ryerson gay club)
Me: Is everyone in this stats class from Business Management program?
Ibr: (Points to this flaming homo) Not that guy, he's from RyePride.

Me: ... how can you be sure your prof is from China and not somewhere else?
Ibr: Probability.

(On noticing Ibrahim pounding away at his graphing calculator)
Me: What the hell are you doing?
Ibr: Playing Tetris!

(Ibrahim Hatia on the ads for Omega timepieces)
Ibr: Omega isn't isn't my choice, but Anna Kournikova is.

Post Content

2004-11-06T22:43:00.000-05:00

Mudasser's latest post brings to light a harsh reality of blogistan: a lot of blogs suck; and it's given me something to think about too. Before I had a blog I vowed that if I ever put one up, it'd be worth people's time. One thing I definitely did not find worthwhile were tidbits from what happened in people's often very boring and uneventful lives. Rants. Karguzari's are sometimes excellent rants, but few people lead such fascinating lives. However, the irony I find now is that almost all of my posts are things that have happened in my life. I want some feedback on what people think of my rants, shall I continue or just give up blogging altogether and save myself the shame?

Here's something that happened just now:

(While enjoying some fine kebobs Ibrahim Hatia motions to one of the accompanying chutneys placed in cups)
Ibr: Atcha, have some coke.
Atcha: Eww, that stuff is nasty.
Me: I'll give you TWO Gmail invites if you drink that.
Atcha: Two? How much do you want me to drink?
Me: Till the level drops by about half-inch.
Atcha: (proceeds to drink the awful looking chutney)
Me: You'll have the invites in your inbox by midnight.
(And just when we thought nobody cared about Gmail anymore)

Fayez

2004-11-06T03:42:00.000-05:00

Having denounced his Gujarati roots and his subsequent failure to become a Caucasian, Fayez has at length found himself amongst the negroes; and I don't mean Muslim brothers who have black skin - I'm talking 50 Cent crowd.

Fayez: u know what some girl called me today
Me: nigger?
Fayez: 'Fayez is a Black Muslim from Canada who has a very interesting life.'
Me: wow
Fayez: 'His color has helped break through the stereotype impounded upon me by others; that black people are stupid and uneducated. He is brilliant.'

Alleged Hack

2004-11-05T14:41:00.000-05:00

So negro Fayez whom I proudly call relative was instructed to make a few changes to the layout. Not being too well versed with html I figured he'd do a better job, after all he does claim to be a computer engineering student at UWO. But he somehow messed up this simple task, and so I said, hey now worries just put it back to the way it was before. Fayez unfortunately couldn't do that either, so he decides he's going to try and cover up his embarassing shortcoming by putting on a facade of a hack.

I've got it back to how it was before (except for the annoying trackback feature is still there). I'll have an original layout after I take a proper picture for the main pic. I want to take a picture of something that's AP, I'm not entirely sure what it is going to be right now. I've got ideas ranging from me and riyaz (just our silhoutted figures) in the halls of the sexy new Ryerson Eng building, panoramic shot of Ryerson Eng building and Jarvis St., Dundas Square/Eaton Centre at night or the Monetary Times Building (which houses Dept. of Civil/Geomatics Eng - my programs).

Any ideas?

Music

2004-11-01T01:28:00.000-05:00

How inappropriate, a post on music during Ramadhan.

I like to keep things immaculately organized, my mp3 library being no exception. For months I've been meaning to get around to that, I finally got the job done today. Fixed up all the file names and the media info, deleted some music that was shit. And the best program for playing your music - Bang&Olufsen Beoplayer. It's about the only B&O product the majority of the population can call their own (it's a free download from Bang-Olufsen.com).

So a few things I noticed about my slightly smaller than average sized mp3 library:

Slightly over 700 pirated files for which I never gave the original artists any credit for their work - almost makes me feel guilty until I think that if I'd bought those online it would've been enough for me to buy myself a Hilfiger suit.
Enough files for me to line up and listen to for 53 hours, and I listen to just about all of them.
The word 'love' appears more than 25 times in a title in my mp3 library
I've begun compiling a playlist of tracks to be played in my Porsche - IF and when I ever get it (btw, the current generation of Porsche 911's offer a 13-speaker 7-channel Bose surround sound system, WOW).
Anyone who listens to music as much as I do severely underestimates the haramness of music.
I would never let my kids listen to even half the amount of music that I do.
I never listen to music on ear/headphones (in fact I don't even own a pair) and I'm totally not a fan of portable music.
I have tried to convince Riyaz of buying a pair of BeoLab 5's just so I could go to this house and enjoy them.
Only about 1% of my files are from the rap/hip-hop/R&B genres. A strict 'no black music' policy is in effect.
Most popular arists on my hard drive are: DJ Tiesto (30), Da Buzz (30), DJ Tatana (10), Sash! (15), E-Type (13), Ian van Dahl (10), Milk Inc (24) ....

So you're thinking (like Mudasser Ali) Arif your music palette is revoltingly narrow. Well you're right, and your mother was so fat that when she went to school she had to sit beside everybody.

I also strongly believe my music experience can be enhanced with better hardware. I figured if I'm going up upgrade from 2.0-channel experience, I'm going to go upgrade all the way to 5.1-channel - the minimum threshold for surround sound experience. So I went on a search for 5.1 systems on eBay and I realized that it doesn't make much sense to spend so much money on a Logitech 5.1-channel gaming sound system, might as well go with a copper-wiring type configuration. If we can put a man up on the moon, surely we can connect copper-wiring systems with the pc. That was some flawed logic on my part because all of the guys that worked at Future Shop in the audio/video department weren't really sure about that sort configuration at all.

I finally discovered B&O that makes all its speakers PC compatible with their BeoLink technology. Hurray, the search is over. So how much for some classy looking BeoLab 5's that can eliminate the need for an entire 5.1-channel system with just two speakers using all sorts of ground breaking technology not found anywhere else? 16,000 USD.

That's why now I'm going to try a Bose 5.1-channel configuration connected with a Harmon Kardon receiver.

Perhaps there's an informed audiophile out there who can help me out, or someone who's got 16k USD lying around and is just not sure what to do with it.

Showdown at Noor Masjid

2004-10-31T06:25:00.000-05:00

Friday night I was busy wasting away at RMSA Ramadhan Dinner, then in some cybercafe across from Eaton Centre, during this I missed the first fight of the holy month at our masjid. So word on the street is that Controversy Monger A was sitting at the rear, apparently not a muqtadi in the salaat, and gave lukma. At the end of the salaat Individual Who Speaks His Mind B told off Controversy Monger A for giving lukma like that. He told him that if he wanted to be big and bad and tell the imam off, then he should stand in the first row. Controversy Monger A's brother upon hearing this begins to shout in defense of his khandan. What ensued was a proper row that was the making of some quality taraweeh memories.

Today the Imam stood up and made an announcement on this issue, after he was done, he had another announcement:

Maulana Ayub Mamoon: We have a guest here who is a representative from an organisation, he will be addressing us regarding their purpose/goals. The organisation is called the Ansar Group...

Representative: It's not Ansar Group, it's Ansar Foundation.

Maulana Ayub Mamoon: Ansar Group, Ansar Foundation - same thing.

AP keeping you informed as the events unfold.

Memorable moments in physics class

2004-10-28T07:21:00.000-04:00

This post isn't dedicated to the work we do in physics, it's dedicated to the good times we've had. Actually, I'd have to admit that all the times in physics class were good times, but more accurately speaking - this is a post dedicated to the jokes we've had.

(During a lab in PCS125 reproducing Young's double slit experiment, I notice the following sign on a hydrogen lamp)
Do not put fingers in socket when power is on.

(First lab in PCS211)
Annoying faggot: Sir, what technique do we employ to determine the gravitational force exerted by the body? Translation: How do we figure out how much the ruler weighs?
Paul Sedaatian (the TA): You put it on the scale.

On a side note, Paul is the only TA I seen so far in Ryerson who's not always pissed off. He's always in a good mood and willing to help no matter how dumb the question.

(Eastern European guy raging over particular question on the mid-term that asked for force exerted on wall bracket)
Raging Eastern European guy: But sir, it is not being fair, this testing mechanism of multiple choice.
Dr. Whelan: Well why do you think that?
Raging Eastern European guy: Because it is being said so that I become confused.
Dr. Whelan: What part did you not get?
Raging Eastern European guy: I didn't know what 'exert' meant.

(Our first lesson on pulley systems in PCS211 (Physics II: Mechanics), for most of us it was the first time we'd encountered pulleys - and hence had difficulty grasping the subject. Whelan was puzzled why we didn't understand)
Dr. Whelan: Didn't any of you play with pulley systems as kids?
General chorus (snickering): No.
Dr. Whelan: Well you should.

Speaking of which, if you're brown and want your kid to grow up to be an engineer, its best to teach him(or her, ap-online does not condone sexism) when he/she's young. I learned most of my physics as a little kid, before I learned to read or write.

(During the first class of PCS125 (Physics I) in first year engineering)
Dr. Whelan: Can someone give me an example of a physical phenomena that we encounter in everyday life?
Clown at rear: Friction! (why is it that the clowns always sit at the back?)
(Collective laughter)
Dr. Whelan: Correct, can you give me an example of where we encounter friction?
... (Let's have people guess as to what the clown said next)

(The following occured in gr. 12 physics and was in my opinion the smartest thing I ever said. What made it better was that my response was immediate. The teacher and I had this major clash of wills, retorts are so much potent when they're done in the midst of a tense relation)
Mrs. Marshall: ... is this answer you obtained via a physics solution or logic puzzle solution?
Me: Isn't physics a logic puzzle?

Princess

2004-10-27T19:30:00.000-04:00

This is something that happened yesterday, and I thought that I'd turn it into one of those 'awww' posts.

My youngest sister (five years old) has been informed by me that being a princess is not something to aspire for. Princess more often than not are rude, ugly (from all the inbreeding), materialistic and ungrateful people, they have all the qualifications to go to hell.

So sometimes I call her Prince Eowyn after her favourite character in Lord of the Rings (Eowyn is the daughter of the King of Rohan, not the Elf) just to tease her. She always responds with a denial that is calculated and vehement. Yesterday I began to pile up all the reasons why I thought she was a princess. I said to her, "Listen here bhen, you're really really roopari (pale skin, hers is a deathly pale) - just like Eowyn; Eowyn uses a sword - you're even better than me in using a scissor (not an exaggeration) - which is also a sharp object; Eowyn also had a horse - and you really want a pony; Eowyn was a really good leader - and the school gave you a leadership award in only SK, and you're also your fathers pet - just like Eowyn. See behn, you're a princess too." For a while she just stood there and squirmed, then her face lit up and she blurted a reply:

"Eowyn has her own room, and I don't!"

Taraweeh Adventures

2004-10-26T04:53:00.000-04:00

It is said that for those who understand the language of the Quran taraweeh is a soulful and awe-inspiring experience. Indeed, were not people drawn to Islam in the early days through the sheer beauty of the Quran's verses?

For the ignorant there are other less divine, sensual experiences to make their taraweeh memorable. I still remember the good ol' days when all the kids would gather in the basement of the masjid and have a proper brawl, I drew blood (drew the opponents blood, not mine) for the first time during one such fight.

Of course, how can we forget that food that is accompanied with after-taraweeh chill sessions in Gujarati mosques the world over. Gujarati men, as is the nature of their creed, discuss diplomatic policies and strategies of armed conflicts worldwide in greater depth and propose their own action plans with more confidence than do their counterparts in the Whitehouse and Pentagon. The height of the night reaches when foreboding prophecies of the imminent fall of America are decreed.

Although, I'd like to think that the most exciting events occur in the Gujarati mosques, when tempers run high and people fight. I won't name names, but there have been some pretty intense clashes of wills, and once we came tantalizingly close to an actual fist fight between a Somali and a Gujarati. Foolish people held them back just as they were about to head outside in the parking lot and sort things out. And one day, we had a guest at our masjid, let's call him 'Nameless Person X' for reasons best kept secret. Well Nameless Person X began to give lukma to our homegrown molvi, Bilal Patel. Bilal Patel continued, Nameless Person X continued to give lukma, this happened repeatedly, until the entire masjid of muqtadi's was thoroughly confused, things got so bad (all the while taraweeh is going on) that I thought one guy was going to lose it, now wouldn't that make for some great taraweeh memories.

Yesterday another event occured which I won't quite soon forget. Individual Y standing beside me lifts his hand (during salaat) and begins to inspect the interior of his nostrils (notice how my stories always have to do with boogers or some other bodily function, ha, I guess that's just dumb and immature AP humour for you), he withdraws his finger and from what I couldn't help but notice, held his hand in front of him - I presume for inspection. He then continues his salaat and I made a mental note of being wary of shaking his hand. He then lifts his hand once more and begins with the second inspection of the night of his nostril, and then withdraws his finger once more. The man proceeded to do this a total of five times, thereafter he was content to scratch himself.

So that's taraweeh at Masjid-E-Noor, a time when I (regretably so) get most of my day-dreaming done.

Comments

2004-10-23T01:00:00.000-04:00

So I started to delete the last Haloscan convo I had with Saima and the connection suddenly picked up after so many weeks. As soon as I pressed delete the page would reload again instantly, and then I'd press delete again, and it'd come right back but one comment less. I was so impressed that I kept doing it and I couldn't stop myself, I was ecstatic, I haven't had so much fun since . . . ok well I can't quite remember the last time I had so much fun. But I had to stop when I got to my beloved Asians' comments, cause that's simply sacred.

Just one pair of comments I feel shouldn't have been deleted:

saima, i dont wanna get round when i get older it sucks being an orange if that happens *pilates 4 lyyfe*oh, and would not being genuine be considered as 'taking the mick' as well?
sabaah Homepage 10.22.04 - 9:51 pm #

Alas Sabaah, one day, as befalls the fate of desi women, you too shall look like an orange. And since you're such a fan of black men (for reasons which will not be specified on this blog as I strive to maintain the most basic levels of haya), they prefer women 'with a bit of meat on them' as they like to say.
AP Email 10.22.04 - 10:36 pm #

And on a concluding note, guess as to how much this timepiece retails for:

The lucky person with the most accurate guess will be entitled to an extended chill session with me on Thursday.

How AP became a man...

2004-10-20T07:28:00.000-04:00

Just like Mudasser enlightened us, think English Patient but hairier...

It wasn't too long ago that young Arif began to come of age and notice things he never knew existed before. Notice things like the single woman from down the street, Kesha - a 300lb-looking black woman who looked as if she'd a need an entire barrel of wax to get rid of all her body hair. On that fateful day I was skipping down the street she yells out, "ai rude bwoi, you ain't eva holla at old Kesha, why not? Bring your paki ass here and give me some fine brown lovin..."

No, not really. She didn't say that and she doesn't exist either.

Quite frankly, I'm not too sure what to blog about. But one thing is for certain, the defining characteristic of this blog, is quality over quantity. Rather a proper post no matter how long it takes, then some random bullshit posted everyday. So right now, I'm just waiting for inspiration to strike me.

Does anyone want to hear the story about the watch? It's a great one, my favourite.

v. 1.0

2004-10-13T15:35:00.000-04:00

My blog isn't at v. 1.0 yet. I haven't started giving out the link to people, all but the very special people have had the privilege of getting an early sneak preview. Inshallah it'll be ready for launch in mid-November (end of Ramadhan). Stay tuned for more, and until that time, you can still find me wasting away on Mudasser's or Sabaah's blog. And I would appreciate it if you have the address to my blog, to keep it to yourself until the launch date.

Movado Eliro 0604183

2004-10-12T23:36:00.001-04:00

A picture of my sweetheart (pic of an identical model).

Testing Testing

2004-10-12T16:44:00.000-04:00

Hmm, I wonder what happens if i push this button . . . oh look, it posts on the internet. How amazing! Looks pretty plain, it needs jazzing up. Now where is that 'Add Porno' button?